Monday 08 October 2012

When you’re as self-aware as I am you know that you’re normally wrong.

Yesterday I had got a bit wound up. I was trying to GIVE someone something for their birthday. They wanted an iTunes voucher. The Birthday is Wednesday. Anyone doing the math could work out I was perhaps leaving it a little bit late. I was – it was not someone I see on a day-to-day basis, so I couldn’t pull off the old do-it-the-day-before-or-the-day-of (preferred scheduling of sorting stuff out).

I emailed them, well messaged them on Facebook (how 2010). I needed their email address. Why? they asked. So I can email you the iTunes voucher, I replied. (I was thinking: So I can email you the iTunes voucher you asked for you fucking dick.)

Don’t know my email, they replied. Immediately I think that this person doesn’t deserve to receive anything. Further information at this stage: it is a young person’s birthday that is being celebrated. A youth that doesn’t know their email address? I am saddened at the state of today’s youth. I reply, Can’t do your present then.

Can’t you just buy it at a shop? Instead of with my email? The two questions  arrive – the second completely unnecessary given the first I must say. NO, I reply. I guess I wont have a present then, is the conclusion of the Facebookversation.

As I said earlier, I know I am normally wrong. I do like to check as I love that 1 in a 300 occasion when people go, “No – you are actually right.” So I tell the tale to a few people I work with:

It’s my niece’s 15th birthday on Wednesday and she wants iTunes vouchers. I told her I needed her email address to send it her but she didn’t know it. So, I told her she can’t have anything for her birthday off me then. A 15-year-old should know their email address right? If she can’t be bothered to figure it out she doesn’t deserve a present does she?

Oh, yeah – it’s a young girl I’m talking about. My sister’s daughter. One of the handful of people on the planet I’d die for*.

My colleague Eileen doesn’t want to hear my logic and insists the fact that is her birthday overrides any point I might be trying to make. I am not sure what point I am trying to make. One of the things I have pretended is important to me is the waste of card/plastic on the purchase at a shop. This is kind of a smokescreen masking that I don’t want to go and find somewhere that sells iTunes vouchers on my lunch break. For my niece who I love more than the world**.

The other people agree with her. “But all you have to do is go in your iTunes and the email address is there at the top of screen. It’s not a task. If I am going to get her the card then it means she has to go into iTunes. It means she has to use iTunes. She’s being thick or annoying.” I say fairly. I leave out that she is being stubborn. I don’t know where she gets this stubborn nature from – I a humble 34-year-old man who is refusing to get his niece what she has requested for her birthday because I have left it a little bit last minute and will require some effort. Seriously, though, I could have just done this at my laptop yesterday. I am definitely right about this.

Another unspoken thought: does she not want me to have her email address? The dick. What does she think I am going to do with it? I am definitely right to say she is a dick about this: projecting my paranoia on to her and then getting angry at her for it is entirely rationale behaviour. Especially when that isn’t the reason (99.4% certain).

I am definitely not swayed by the people at work making me out to be some immature dick. I do go out at lunch and walk extra far away to get her a nice card and an iTunes voucher. But I mix it up with some money – to show her who is boss, ha! She asked for an iTunes voucher and I give her an iTunes voucher and money. Advantage Unky Pip.

The people at work really didn’t sway me. All that interaction achieved was to show a few people that I am am the manager of that I am a petty little bastard.

She won the minute she said she wouldn’t have a present if it meant giving in to me. She is truly of kin.

*This is one of them statements I am pretty confident that I will never be asked to prove. As no-one is when they make the same claims, so it’s a real easy way to sound like you are a proper caring person. So, on the off chance this blog is being cited in a court case as some point in the future, I would like to say that it depends on the circumstances. I am not dieing for her so she can have a new hat. I might die to save her life. But I might not. I probably wouldn’t.
**See the above notes on dying for her. I love her just the right amount someone should love their niece. People who say they love something more than the world are just spouting tosh and nonsense. Who loves the fucking world anyway? I love onion rings. If I have to name something I love a lot it is onion rings. And with a heavy heart I would admit that I love my niece more than onion rings.

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