Monday 14 November 2011

Half-Term Report from JUNAPP

Holy smoke, Phil is sexy: but what does he think of the contenders for Young Apprentice of the Year 2011? Here’s what I fucking think:

Ben Fowler – one of the ones still in adolescence, didn’t offend anyone to the extent that his presence was only serving to increase the average weight of the Young Apprentice cohort by a good half-stone. Imagine he will be married with three children (two twin boys and another non-twin boy) and a steady well paid job and decent car by the time he is 32.

Gbemi Okunlola – she was intensely annoying and argumentative in the first week but seems to have calmed down a lot since – or she has been edited out of the mix. She still has her moments, though, and with so many ‘big personalities’ (cunts) in the mix surely it is only a matter of time before she has a meltdown. She is bare fit though.

Hannah Richards – she talked through her nose (not criticising – just observing) and was of an enjoyable level of bolshyness. She made the mistake of not taking Lewis in to the boardroom with her as losing team leader though and paid the price (the price: Lord Alan Suagar pointed at her and told she – with regret – that she was fired. At least I think she was fired ‘with regret’; regret is increasingly the thing with ‘you’re fired’ to the level where LAS not saying it must feel like a real kick in the teeth.

Harry Hitchens – you probably wont get very good odds at a bookmaker on this lad one day being Prime Minister – ridiculously relaxed and confident. This is the thing certain people of class have that people like me will never have (not all people of better breeding obviously, but most). He has seemed a bit in danger of being too ‘too confident’ in the last couple of weeks and I am sure I have seem him wince a couple of times at Lord Alan Sugar’s working class-ness; who doesn’t look down on new money?  As I say he will probably be Prime Minister but the second favourite (3/1 is for him to have a sex change and design vibrators for a living under the name ‘Fanny Buster’).

Harry Maxwell – Clare Balding.  He is a bit of a cunt isn’t he? But to be fair to the lad he is often correct when he has his weekly confrontation. He just probably needs to think of a better way to get his point across. That probably wont happen though and he will end up as some kind of This Morning expert on gadgets or teen problems.

Haya Al Dlame – “She seems a bit too level headed to fit in with this lot’ you were probably thinking about this candidate, or maybe ‘where is she from? She’s not Asian but she’s definitely not white.’ However she got her chance to lead this week and she unfortunately showed she was not quite as good as you hoped she might be and that one of the rancidly smug bastards will probably win. Also – she is one of the ones who is still on the young side of young – mainly in the way she sits, all I am saying is once you reach a certain age it should become second nature to sit with your legs a bit closer together when you are wearing a skirt.

Hayley Forrester – she has got posher as this has gone on, I am sure of it. Which probably means she was playing it down a bit to start with in case she was ostracised for being well spoken and having a nanny; good for her. She needs to do something remotely like anything in order to not get booted out next time she is in the boardroom though.

James McCullagh – cunt. Now I should be honest and up front about this, I don’t really like the Northern Irish accent so much (that’s not racist /regionalist). And people who talk slowly can annoy me. James McCullagh is a slow talking Northen-Irish lad. It’s not a good starting point. Helpfully he is also a complete shower of a bastard so I don’t have to wonder if it’s my predilection to despise Ulster tones casting a shadow over him. He will probably end up as the drive time DJ on Radio Ulster.

Lewis Roman – the least adult/most immature candidate this year. He is constantly trying to say something funny in a biting way – always failing, memorable attempt (week 2) “what is The Royal College of Art?” [in a whiny voice]. It’s not had to establish what The Royal College of Art is. Is it? They are all rudimentary concepts (especially in this context). He should have gone earlier but avoided the boardroom somehow. Can now return to being the singer out of The Kooks.

Lizzie Magee – Scouse, pretty, eloquent, said she was outgoing and determined. She was my initial favourite. But she has kind of been the least noticeable person in it (apart from people looking at her in the background even if they are just doing it to look at a 16-year-old girl. Whatevz, The age of consent is there for a reason – 16 is fine). Hopefully she will be one of the ones who doesn’t just get fired for doing nothing. Still think she might win it. Her audition tape could have done with some work as she claimed “there is only one winner – there is no second place.”  She also said she was from ‘working class backgrounds’. How many backgrounds as she got? I could only afford one working class background and you don’t here me going on about it (unless you ever listen to me talk about almost anything).

Mahamed Awale – Went the first week. Absolute travesty. Had the uncanny ability to contradict himself within the confines of a single sentence. Was happy to take the credit for anything he could think of when trying to beet the boot in week one, my memory is hazy but I am sure he claimed to have launched Amstrad for Sugar in the 70s. Was also impressively small. I confidently predict he will have had over 50 businesses registered to him (or a family member) by his 22nd birthday.

Zara Brownless – definitely older than her years, and that is not just the defence I would use in court if I was being accused of being a child sex case for meeting up with her in a hotel. At times it’s like she has been studying videos of Thatcher for inspiration – not outside the realms of possibility. She has been quite good thus far in her defence. Perhaps could do with wearing a different outfit for the boardroom though; that tight white dress is getting a bit tired (and it affects her ability to sit in any degree of comfort).

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