Sunday 13 November 2011

Quite some time after buying it I gave the Giggs Fitness DVD a go this morning. I was slightly apprehensive about allowing the love cheat show me how to stretch my muscles and increase my core strength; given his lax morals. And it was definitely the only reason I have taken 10 months to give the workout a try – anyone who says it is just because I have an unnaturally high propensity to buy something without thinking through that I wont use it, combined with a low-to-none-existent levels of motivation to DO things, is a liar.

I gave it a bash though: justifying in one swoop the purchase of the DVD itself AND the yoga mat I bought the other week. Two birds: one stone.

Now, I am neither very well co-ordinated nor knowledgeable of what a glute is (in fact I wouldn’t know it from my elbow. Boom, now that is clever.) nor able to comprehend a woman telling me to push parts of my body immediately next to each other in completely opposite directions. Or simultaneously tense and relax something. Also yoga often relies keeping your head still – which is quite difficult when you’re trying to watch over your shoulder what you should be doing with your torso and legs. (Perhaps ensuring I am facing the television is the solution, but who am I say so?)

Ryan ‘Love Cheat’ Giggs may well be the face of the DVD but it is fitness expert Sarah Ramsden who does all the instructing. Maybe if Ryan wasn’t so busy philandering he would be a qualified yoga instructor and not be making poor Sarah Ramsden do his yoga instructing for him. I just hope his poor wife didn’t see him putting his yoga about with Sarah. He shamelessly allows Sarah to touch his bare legs – supposedly to correct his stance, but who knows?

I think I was quite brave to get through the whole 42-minute workout, as I was sickened by Giggs constantly doing a yoga workout without once apologising to his family – let alone me, who had specifically bought this yoga DVD thinking it was the yoga DVD of a happily married family-man. Yet here he was – not explaining or apologising one iota about his private life (that has nothing to do with yoga). I shall be e-mailing Amazon demanding a full refund.

After the DVD has finished I went on the internet and googles some images of Imogen Thomas (see below).  I was disgusted to find myself sexually aroused by them. So much for yoga: the whole sordid affair had clearly been an exercise in brain washing me. Before watching this DVD I wouldn’t have even looked at the former Miss Wales and now I was thinking if she asked me to meet her at a hotel for sex (three times in a 4 hour period) that I would probably say yes, telling my girlfriend that I was going to play for Manchester United or something. I couldn’t believe it.

What had Giggs done to me? By being a fixture of the football team I support for the last 2o years (how long he has been a fixture, I have been supporting them for longer than that) he has signed an unwritten/unspoken contract that he would be the perfect moral human in all walks of life. All the millions he has earned – as a direct consequence of being exceptionally good at football were inextricably bound to him living the life the general public deem acceptable. And now here he was trying to palm Thomas off on me as she had probably become a bit of a nightmare, no doubt asking Giggs if they could talk after hours of passionate sex-making: crushing the dream that it was just about sex. “Fuck,” Giggs almost certainly thought, “if I want someone telling me about how annoying Alexandra Burke is I could stay at home.”  The pig.

But is making a yoga DVD in order to make me find Imogen Thomas sexually attractive is not the answer (Ryan). It is impressive that he managed it though, as I definitely didn’t find her attractive before and I have never looked at images of her on google before – imagining her rolling around in lingerie, and anyone who says I have is a bigger storyteller than Enid Blyton. Look at the images! Look at them, who would be aroused by them? Unless they had been brainwashed by core strengthening based fitness DVD?


Imogen All The People

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