Sunday 28 July 2013

Wonderapalled

I don’t think Liam Gallagher is a hero or anything, but articles like this don’t have the effect on me I think it is supposed to have on the reader, which is the fault of the ‘journalist’ or, seemingly, the strange utterances of the Appleton family – rather than me being dismissive of the antics of the wild man of rock ‘n’ roll (Liam Gallagher). Though I couldn’t give a fuck about what he or anyone does with their genitals to be frank.

It’s just a load of shit. Why is it even in the public domain? Did people really say any of this? I finished reading this story with a lot of respect for Lori Appleton. She came out with some gems:

“He’s not a man – he’s just a big girl” Right on sister! Not sure why girls, big or otherwise, need to be associated with a man impregnating a woman while he is married to someone else. I associate the phrase ‘big girl’ with friends praising their daughters for correctly identifying a picture of an animal or urinating on a potty. And to a lesser extent someone talking about an overweight woman.

“We’d had just one ride. She went ‘bam’. She fell to the floor and we had to put a rug underneath her.” I think the biggest tragedy of this whole thing is that the holidaying family members had only been on one ride at Disneyland before the holiday was ruined. Certainly overshadows anything else. Did they put a rug underneath her when she was on the floor outside the (only) ride? Could they not have just taken her somewhere private?

“She looks like she has been hit by the bus from the movie Speed, but she has the kids to be strong for.” FROM THE MOVIE SPEED? Why would you be that specific? Why does it have to be a bus driven by Keanu Reeves that will explode if it drops below 50 miles an hour? I’m also struggling to think of a woman (understandably upset) crying on a rug on the floor of a massive entertainment park looking like someone who has been hit by a bus – fictional movie bus or otherwise. Has Lori been kidded in the past when she’s seen someone crying on a rug? Has she taken someone sarcastically saying “They were hit by the bus from Speed,” as a truth?

(Talking about Liam) “I love him – I love him so much. I felt that we were closest out of all the sisters. I even called him my ‘Elg’ after his initials, LG.” This could be my favourite one. Even though she hates him, and has stated that she now just want to watch him burn, she feels the need to ensure it’s passed on that she is the best Appleton sister – and feels the needs to explain the reasoning for an obvious nickname. She is good at coming up with nicknames though isn’t she?

“Whatever happens with the court case, that’s their unluckiness.” Unluckiness.

Lori isn’t the only one sharing the personal hurt with one of Britain’s worst newspaper columns: Her Mother, Mary* also had a couple of harrowing thoughts to share:

“Nicky’s going to need a job when she gets back, with all the money Liam might be paying out.” All Saints Reunion. (As much as Liam’s child support payments are mounting, I think he is probably a way off asking his – seemingly soon to be ex – wife to get a job at a call centre to help him pay up.)

“Nicole is too in shock to speak to lawyers.” That explains the unluckiness.

*Let it Be

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