This new Pope is in danger of dragging the Catholic Church into the 19th century – or getting sacked. I hope it’s not the latter as the excitement of the smoke thing is too much to have more than twice a decade. Also it seems quite a positive thing to have someone with humility at the head of a religion. At this rate there might be woman priest by 2400.

Pope Frank has come out (I didn’t even mean that double entendre) and asked who is he to judge gay people. If only more people could have the Pope’s attitude to homosexuality – there’s a sentence I didn’t think I would find myself saying anytime soon. And I haven’t now – I have typed it, but in this context I don’t think there is much difference so I stand by the sentiment.

I saw the clip of him saying it on Newsnight. He was just doing an ad hoc press conference on a plane. This guy is like a pope Aaron Sorkin would create for crying out loud – only I imagine a Sorkin pope would end up being more self-righteous than this – or any other – pope. [I’m sorry if an Aaron Sorkin slam is a bit offensive to his followers . I feel I am OK to make a joke at his expense though, I have watched every episode of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip TWICE for fuck’s sake – surely greater penance than any Catholic has offered?]

If the Pope does any of the following in the next year I am becoming a Catholic:

• Posts a YouTube video doing a tribute to whatever is the Gangnam hit of the time (when he does the video).
• Posts some selfies – with requisite filters – on Instagram.
• Breaks down in a giggling fit in the middle of a Sunday Mass.
• Tells everyone to get the fuck off Bieber’s back.
• Has a cameo in Anchorman II.