Thursday 14 March 2013

Why isn’t there anything on internet shops saying “If you thought this was shit you might want to avoid…”? or “Based on your previous shopping experience you might want to avoid this as it’s for young people and you just bought an album by the Stereophonics and don’t lie about it being for someone else, no-one buys Stereophonics albums for other people. Who would do that?”

Because retail is a very positive area of industry. You don’t need to be positive to be rich people. But it isn’t rich people society wants to bleed dry. There is no hard sell on caviare (I imagine). People who don’t ask how much something is don’t care about money and only a few shops can cater to that kind of person. Most shops are left to make do with trying to encourage hapless fucking pricks like you to part with your money by being positive to you.

“We just thought we’d email you with a list of laptops…just out of the blue…just wondered if you were interested…ooooh look at this one, this one would look good in your living room…what? No, yes, I meant your office.”  The data stored on you by websites like Amazon IS invasive. I am too indifferent to making any effort to do anything to be overly concerned about it. (Perhaps the time spent adding verbs to that sentence, for example, could have been spent more constructively). But it is a bit annoying.

I almost always walk out of shops with overly enthusiastic sales assistants. I AM JUST FUCKING LOOKING, EYE-ILY WITH MY EYES. IF I WANTED SOME ASSISTANCE I WOULD COME AND ASK FOR IT. Or at least pick something up and look slightly confused and look around, trying to make eye contact with an employee and doing an awkward smile that says ‘I’m sorry could you take time away from flirting with that equally attractive person to give me some advice on this product please?’

But at the counter if when I bought something they were telling me a list of things other people bought who had bought the things I was currently buying I would ask them to please stop. If they followed me down the street after I left after not buying something telling me about the thing I was looking at AND things like it I would definitely not go in the shop again. Especially if they didn’t pay tax.

Unless of course they sold things for a few pounds less than the other shops with better morals and less invasive selling methods.

It’s funny how these things turn out. I was almost certain that today’s entry would be about having an ultrasound scan on my testicles.  The nicest bit was when the ultrasound operative (I don’t know if that’s the right word but she wasn’t a doctor or a nurse) covered my nether regions with some paper towel and told me to hold my penis against my belly so it didn’t get in the way. I’ll be honest – it was in no danger of getting in the way at this stage: it was a cold day, a cold room and I DO TEND to be anti-arousal when I’m worried someone is going to say that this reassurance scan has found some kind of bad thing. (She didn’t say anything about a bad thing – just to clear that up in case my mother happens to read this.)

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