Monday 16 April 2012

Curry Favour

It’s really not a very good anecdote that I’ve been delaying from Saturday: I accidentally foiled a bank robbery and uncovered a plot to assassinate the King of USA at the Olympics. Ha! Fooled you. That’s not what happened at all. I ordered a tandoori lamb chop main from Burnage Tandoori as part of my order when we telephoned a takeaway order in. They only delivered a lamb chop starter and I phoned up and they said they would send me what I was missing. But they sent another starter. Now I think a main is twice a started but that isn’t made clear by the menu, which states that a starter is three lamb chops but is CONVENIENTLY vague about the amount of chops a main consists of.

I didn’t phone up again and had to satisfy myself with just two lamb chop starters (and a chicken kebab). I am surprised I didn’t starve to death.


What’s all this in the news about this drought? London: fuck off moaning about having no water, you’re quick enough to give it the lemon about having better weather than us when it suits aren’t you?

It serves everyone right for their typi-fucking-cal “I knew it was in Manchester because it was raining”/”It always rains when I come here”/”Manchester’s a right bastard for raining a lot” comments. Yes it does fucking rain here all the time but you don’t hear us sobbing about never having any droughts do you? We’d fucking love a hosepipe ban up here? Do we ever get one? WE DON’T EVEN OWN HOSEPIPES: IT WOULD BE POINTLESS AS IT’S ALWAYS RAINING.

What do we get? The national media rubbing our fucking noses in it telling us how there are farms piling up dead animals and crops because of the drought. THERE ARE PEOPLE UP HERE WHO HAVE HAD SUEDE SHOES/PANTS/COATS FOR 9 YEARS BUT NEVER GET TO WEAR THEM BECAUSE IT’S ALWAYS FUCKING RAINING.

We might have lost our stranglehold on the world’s cotton mills but we still lead the way when it comes to not having a drought in England. I ♥ MCR.

Paper View

You know what the real difference between England and America is? No. No…Good guess, but no again. No…no…no.n–wait yes, that’s quite a good answer but actually no..I’m just going to tell – would you just shut fuck up guessing?

We have white lined A4 paper and they have yellow lined A4 paper, which they call legal pads. And to have yellow A4 lined paper is all I have ever really wanted out of life. WHY THOUGH?  WHY CAN’T WE HAVE YELLOW PAPER OVER HERE? DO THEY HAVE WHITE POST-IT NOTES AS A PAY OFF? AND WHAT ABOUT EGGS? ETC.


I divvunt like it when people are dismissive of people on some kind of power trip, it’s okay when it’s a joke and everyone is in on it. But when it’s a joke and it’s really only a joke on the level that the person saying it’s a joke things they are being funny but is also slightly aware of the joke being an example of them being the powerful element in the relationship. And the person on the receiving end isn’t bothered enough to kick up a fuss but because they are not showing a formal distaste and have manners they are polite enough to pretend it is funny. When this happens both people are kind of aware that the whole situation is not funny but they are laughing and some other people join in. Some laughter is fake but there will be some real laughter at NOTHING FUNNY.

See, today at work this man shouted over to a female colleague (and while she isn’t a direct subordinate the man is above her in the company hierarchy) and used a male version of her name and told her to get him another colleague. He didn’t say ‘now’ at the end but he might as well have. Female colleague asked him where his manners were in a nice way and he then said please in a ‘buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusssssssssssssted’ kind of way, laughing uproariously with another male colleague.

It doesn’t seem much when retold like that. Imagine if the guy was Ray Winstone* and he shouted, “oi you fucking cunt bitch get me that other slag…NOW.” Yes, imagine that rather than the truth which I said first. Well I was just as annoyed as I would have been had that happened. But this work man just carried on laughing like the joke was this woman had had to discipline him, but that it was a bit stupid really because why should he say thanks when he is so fucking important? He was laughing at someone politely pointing out he had no manners in a nice way as though the person pointing it out to him was the one being the fool.

The schoolboy giggling made it all the fucking worse. I really wanted to cricket bat his face off just to stop him laughing. Yes, just to stop him laughing; that was the only reason.

*In character – clearly: Ray Winstone is a lovely man and loves his family and respects all women I’m sure.

An Apology

I made some comments about the nature of Ricky Gervais’ portrayal of a physically disabled person in his recent drame, Channel 4’s Derek. Ricky tonight retweeted this and as such I have to accept, irrefutably that I was wrong: this proves it….oh…he’s deleted the tweet…suprise…ahhh, wait a min…thanks to me doing an oldschool retweet (copy and paste) I can show it you…

Along with all the other things Ricky has retweeted supporting the view his show wasn’t dodgy AND was brilliant I think I am a big enough man to admit I am wrong. Though apparently a small enough man to bang on about it in a blog.

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