Wednesday 11 January 2012

Know Your NME

This was the first year I didn’t buy the Christmas NME. Probably an onlooker would say, probably, it was because I am now an old man – or at least too old to be ‘cool’ enough to read the NME – that I didn’t purchase the brilliant Christmas NME. Probably.

I would say it was because the NME is shit now. I would say that, I would say that because I am an old man. Or at least too old to be cool enough to read the NME. Certainly to read what Example, one of The Saturdays, someone from X Factor and the tall one from The Inbetweeners thought of some songs that were released this year. And definitely to read about a pub crawl around Camden with Gavin from Gavin and Stacey, the drummer from The Killers, the singer from Menswear and Serge from Kasabian. Actually the pub crawl was always shit. And I would still be interested in what Christmas is like at the home of The Vaccines or what Florence and The Machine would have given Jesus instead of myrrh. Shit, I should have fucking bought it. Fuck.

Despite not buying the Christmas NME, I do still go on NME.COM. But it’s not even like reading the NME, all those years ago when I used to buy it. Back then it was all about when Babybird’s album was out and confirming what the B-Sides would be on the CD single of Country House. Now it’s just the same as the pop music gossip page in The Sun. Jesus, I am fucking old.

The fact that I still go on there is a sign of my reluctance to just go and find a website more appropriate to what music I listen to. There isn’t a website that puts stories from the NME in 1994 up as though they are new and relevant. So I am stuck with the NME. And it does put lots of stuff about Oasis and Blur on still so it is almost the same. It is also full of lots of shit non-stories. Almost like people go on the internet to waste time and read will read anything (*knowing nod at the reader of this*) just to be doing something in between checking if there is anything new on Facebook or any fresh emails.

Example of non-story: this. ‘The 50 Worst Album Titles in History’. ‘In history?’ I doubt that the depths of the annals of music history have been plunged in researching this. Some of them don’t even make sense. I’m not blinkered enough to suggest Standing on The Should of Giants is a good album. But because of the poor grammar (shoulder rather than shoulders) it’s one of the 50 worst titles in the history of music albums?

There are three or four on the list that are just really, really long. Yes, really, really long titles aren’t good but I don’t think these are the only three/four really, really long album titles so why single them out? All 50 should just be really, really long album names by that standard. And they do the same gag when justifying each one which is just ‘This is a really long album title, why didn’t they make it shorter?’

And Steptacular? They were called STEPS, Steptacular is a great album title for a band called Steps. Snobby NME cunts. “Oh we weren’t being post-modern that week and pretending to like Steps is not the kind of thing we would do because we were too busy wanking off over Daphne and Celeste.” Ditto Westlife’s Being Frank. Smug music-journo fucks. How is that not a great album title for their collection of Frank Sinatra covers? Great stuff ‘Life, it will be sad to see you go.

What the fuck is wrong with Listen without Prejudice Volume 1 by George Michael? They don’t even try and explain it,

“George Michael, ‘Listen Without Prejudice Vol. 1’ (1990). It seemed the people did – this album got to number two in the US (kept off by MC Hammer) and spawned six hit singles. It also won Best Album at the Brits.”

But why is it bad album title? If anyone wants to explain it to me, feel free. The NME also seems to have a problem with anyone (The Police) having an album with a foreign name. Is it that pretentious to use a phrase from another language? The Police were quite popular outside of Skegness and might also learn words/phrases/languages that they might want to use. What a bunch of fucking college boy, book reading, experience having shits.

A Salt with A Deadly Pepa is (a) fucking ace and (b) a fucking good name for an album anyway. But if you do an album with Shake Your Thang, Twist and Shout and I Gotcha on it you can call it whatever the fuck you want.

They do realise there are LOADS of albums and different names make it easier to tell them apart?

And don’t even get me anywhere near started on why Big Willie Style is one of the greatest names FOR ANYTHING let alone an album.


I owe WordPress an apology. I questioned their end of year statistics email last week. Well the email was wrong, but they still keep mithering me on the stats page to check out the annual statistics and I looked again and now it does admit I did 365 blogs in the year. Well, 364 but that’s close enough. Just when my friend Leah had hypothesised a very credible reason for the disparity between numbers as well. The email must just have been based on 10 day old data. Obviously, even though it was created by some computer generated programme on January 01.

I preferred your conspiracy theory, Leah.

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