Thursday 12 January 2012

Bus Stud

I got on the bus to football tonight. It was quite full so I ended up on one of those seats at the back that face the back seats. There was a woman sat in the middle of the back seat – kind of opposite me – and man at either end of the back seat. So there was a spare seat between the woman and either men on each side. [This is going to be a real find for someone out there who every day looks for blogs where the writer describes his position on a bus in relation to passengers sat near him.]

Suffice it to say that it looked like none of the three people on the back seat knew each other. They were all sat with seats in between them and for a good 5-10 minutes there was no interaction on any level. Exciting this isn’t it? I know what you’re thinking: what is he setting the scene for here? Well maybe I am not setting the scene for anything. Maybe that’s it. And maybe I shouldn’t ramp it all up with this ‘fake is this all there is to today’s blog’ bit because it doesn’t get a heck of a lot more interesting. Certainly not for the guy sat on the right (my left) of the back seat; he get’s off the bus in a bit and I don’t even mention it. Wooooooooooooo, the plot thickens*.

Imagine if this had been some early film and the studio boss at a Hollywood studio was watching it and then this all took ages and then the Turkish guy handed the woman his iPhone to ask her to do something..imagine that. And that had been years ago. And now when people wanted to stop being dull and get to the exciting bit they said “cut to the man giving the woman the phone”. It’s not as good as ‘cut to the chase’ is it?

Anyway, cut to the man giving the woman his iPhone…

So the man on the left of the back of the bus (my right) handed the woman his phone. Given that they had sat motionless and having no interaction whatsoever for the 5-10 minutes I had been sat there my first thought was, oh they must be a couple who have been together a while. It seemed a bit less likely when he just pointed at the screen and said something like “I don’t normally ask people this”. However she seemed to be looking at something on his phone (why did it go to just being a phone? It was an iPhone a while ago) and then said something like “none of these are me/look like me” or something like that. Ahh, I thought, they are associates of some kind; she must be looking at some pictures and is one of those people (everybody) who thinks photos don’t look like them.

Then she seemed to give him his phone back after the “none of these look like me” statement. He didn’t seem to take it back in a way that suggested he wanted it back. He must really want her to look at them photos, I thought, and she couldn’t give a fuck about them pictures (I carried on thinking). Then she did some more stuff with the phone and then he took it back, seeming much happier. Then they returned to silence. For a bit. Then he told her he didn’t live where the bus had come from but where it was going (Didsbury). And that he was going there to have tea at a Turkish restaurant where he used to work, confirming he was Turkish. [I don’t mean that confirmed to me that he was Turkish; he said “I am Turkish” in the middle of his biographical releases.]

She smiled and said something along the lines of that should be nice and that she didn’t go to Didsbury and didn’t know the restaurant. Then he asked if her if she lived in Didsbury. She said she didn’t. He asked her if she worked where the bus came from or if she was going to work. She said she worked at the University and was going home. After the phone business I had been thinking they must have known each other. Now I was swinging the other way, i.e. thinking these two people didn’t know each other; not becoming gay.

She moved towards getting up. He asked her if she was getting off. She said she had to go to Sainsburys so would be getting off at the next stop. We were about 4 or 5 stops from Sainsburys. I was suspicious again. He said, “do you have to go home or would you like to come for tea with me?” She reiterated her stance vis-a-vis getting off the bus and going to Sainsburys. He said something about how it was fine and how he could tell her how his tea was later now they were friends on Facebook.

It all fell in to place…they had been strangers…(it helps if you re-imagine what I described earlier from a different angle as I reveal my suspicions, you know – like in Jonathan Creek)..when he first handed her his phone he was on Facebook on search…pointing at it to get her to put her name in…she was saying “they aren’t me” about the matches that were coming up on the search that were not her…he gave her the phone back to carry on looking, to find herself (not in the ‘going travelling for 6 months to Sri Lanka way) and was only satisfied when she did and then he added her as a friend. Boom. Mystery solved. I knew reading the collected books of Sherlock Holmes would pay off one day.

This is what I have to put up with in my head if I don’t have something to read and I don’t have any earphones about my person**.

*And by ‘plot’ I mean ‘not a plot: just a small description of some people sat on a bus’ and by ‘thickens’ I mean describing how one of the three people wasn’t really relevant at all.

**Which is quite an achievement given that I have about 17 pairs.

Balotelli Me More

I am not saying this is a non-story as (1) Mario Balotelli doing anything is pretty fucking interesting and, (2) A top footballer going, apropos of nothing, in to a college for a piss and then having a chat with people is not a common event. So I am not saying it shouldn’t be reported. But why is it controversial?

This is not the first occasion Balotelli has drawn attention for controversial behaviour. In 2010 he drove through an open security gate at a women’s prison in Italy to look around, while in October he set his house on fire after letting off fireworks in his bathroom.

He also visited a school in Manchester last year to confront a youth about bullying a fellow pupil.

I don’t really feel sorry for multimillionaire very good footballers but controversial? Yes, going in to a prison or starting a fire in your house messing about with fireworks are both worth describing as controversial. But needing a wee and then being nice and polite after it? That’s going too far.

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