Tuesday 25 October 2011


I absolutely refuse to drive a car after I’ve had a drink. Mainly because I can’t drive – if I ever learn I think I will be able to drive well after a few drinks. You heard it here first, if I ever get a driving license I intend to drive home after four or five pints on a regular basis. Or at least until I kill myself/any passengers/innocent pedestrians/people sat on a settee in the living room I plow in to.

That was mostly a joke there. You can say it was inappropriate joking matter all you want but I’d much rather make light of drunk drivers than people using inappropriate sized containers to clear rubble in Turkey. I can’t even mention the inappropriately small sized containers being used to clear the rubble in Turkey. Even though I am not making light of anything that has happened in Turkey and certainly not for one moment am I making the loss of one life. Even though I am not doing any of those, if I were to say that a family using a small saucepan to clear some rubble might have done a bit better had they used something bigger than a really small saucepan – that they were passing in a long chain of people then I would be seen as callous (there were definitely bigger things available). I am not sure at what point anyone would be allowed to make a joke about the removal of debris and it be okay. Is it when the deaths and injurys are a long way away? Or is if the method of debris removal became entirely ridiculous? Would it be okay to make a joke if the international aid forces gathered and started to remove the rubble using only a tea spoon? Because if that is when it is okay, that is when I will make a facetious remark. And I certainly wont even mention it now.

The other day, though, I did think of a reason why I maybe need to learn to drive. I just need to warn my girlfriend here – this is mainly a joke (she wants me to learn to drive. I was talking about what I would do if everyone on the planet was killed and how great it would be. And I was saying one of the first things I would do is go and have a kick around at Old Trafford (yes, even after Sunday). I was thinking about how brilliant it would be to have no people getting in my way wherever I went and this is when it hit me…

How am I going to get everywhere? Yeah I can walk or run (slowly..for an hour or so). Maybe I could steal a bike (is it stealing if I am the last person left on the planet?). But it really would be easier if I could drive. In fact I should probably learn to drive a train and fly a plane while I am at it. I suppose I can always get a boat to America (which is where I would want to go in the plane) but I can’t drive a boat either. Some boats are easier to drive though aren’t they? Don’t fancy going to America on a small boat though as I can’t swim very well and there might be choppy waters. Not to mention sharks – I would only be speculating if I guessed that whatever has wiped the human race (minus me) out has killed all the other animals as well. It might as well, though, as I think I would survive on frozen foods and tinned goods rather than kill anything myself. That’s easy to say now though: cut to me in 6 years, everyone else dead and I’m smashing a cow’s head in with a house brick because I really fancy a nice bit of steak. Typical.

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