Friday 23 March 2012

She Doesn’t Have A Lot To Say

The Queen is a fucking stupid old bastard – not a statement I would necessarily want to be associated with. In many ways it is an odd statement to open my blog with given this.

I would – maybe – have opened with it if her visit to Manchester had inconvenienced me in any way. Selfishly HRH did not influence my life in any way and so provides me with nothing anecdotal; this is perhaps why I am having this meta-ramble about lack of things to ramble about.

I’ll give the current resident of Buckingham Palace her dues, though: she doesn’t fuck about. According to the official schedule she would arrive at Victoria Station at 10.30, open Manchester Eye Hospital (potential slogan: Making people see better?) at 10.45 and be at Media City to officially open that at 11.40. Admittedly now writing it down doesn’t seem like a lot at all – though when I read it I thought ‘the star of notes and coins of British currency certainly get about town quicker than anyone I know’. While the sentiment remains true she basically just went to two places on opposite sides of the city in an hour, the malingering old bastard.

The rest of the day was just lunch at the town hall and an ‘urban garden party’.   I was talking with a colleague about the Queen’s visit and she (my colleague, not Elizabeth II) said “rather her than me”. She was truly sympathetic of the Queen’s regime. I’ll not lie to you readers: I am not sympathetic to her at all. I would fucking love to travel around the world being waved at by people and having big boats named after me (even though people might not pick up on it being named after me because it was just my initials and a number). People have a go at modern celebrities for being famous for being famous, the Q of E invented that shit: she hasn’t even been in Big Brother.

The best thing about being her is definitely the face on the money thing – I would fucking love to have my face on the currency of a country. You can keep the stamps, not arsed about stamps. Of course it does create a kind of weird version of The Picture of Dorian Gray with all this money around with her younger, prettier face on it and while the woman herself grows older. So when I say it is like a weird version of The Picture of Dorian Gray I am drawing on the absolute absence of similarities between the events of that book and Queen/money situation. (True story about The Picture of Dorian Gray, I remember it as The Portrait of Dorian Gray. True story.) The thing about the Queen is..having her face on money is normal. That’s normal for her but you don’t see her fucking little boys after getting them pissed on wine; my point is why should Michael Jackson justify his paedophile behaviour my saying his life was a bit odd? He didn’t have his face on money did I? That he never admitted and therefore never defended the actions is irrelevant to any counterpoint.

Other Queen Titbits

If this is “one of the best presents you could wish for” then “you” have very strange tastes. I am probably the last person to expect to empathise with the sad bastard’s claim as I don’t really like old people. However the quote

He said: “I’ve never ever written a letter to anyone, for any reason.

makes me think he almost certainly is a prick; or that’s whatever the BBC journo filing this story wanted us all to think. What’s with the ‘for any reason’ at the end? If you’ve never done something there is clearly no reason. I am glad that the prospect of an old woman briefly visiting his wedding was enough of a spur to get him to do it though. I really hope he believes the Queen read the letter and was behind the whole scheme. And Father Christmas.

When you are the Queen you have to have some pretty remarkable stuff to celebrate stuff: sending her a big bunch of flowers is not going to cut the mustard. Maybe she really likes reclassification of geographical area categorizations – because to celebrate a thousand years on the throne they made some places cities. I can’t be arsed researching what good stuff comes with being classed as a city but it seems to me like a massive fucking waste of time.

I am not having a go (I am) at Stockport’s Dave Goddard but does he not think he sounds like a lemon to still think it was £25o well spent given that he now knows the stupid fucking town is not a brilliant city? He also says he would like to congratulate the winning towns – the idiot means the winning cities, he is not talking about the stupid town of Stockport he is talking about the brilliant cities of Chelmsford, Perth and St Asaph¹. He then goes on to say that in his view Stockport is city in all but name. Well being a city is just about the name isn’t it? Hasn’t this whole process just been about establishing that the categorisation of something as a city is basically on a whim. There is some shit about cathedrals being a reason as well but I don’t think that really applies anymore. But let’s say it did, Stockport is neither classed a city by the stupid system nor does it have a cathedral. Meaning Dave Goddard might be a bit of a plank.

And Salford was unsuccessful at being granted as a LORD MAYORALTY, whatever the fuck that is (I did the math: I get it).

¹ Really?? ST FUCKING ASPATH?? I know I said it all seems inconsequential but how can St Aspath be (a) a city and (b) be better than Bolton or Stockport. And Perth? It’s in fucking Australia nimrods. NEWRY??

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