An app that puts a random bet on for you when you want to put a bet on but don’t have time to think about it or do it. This would save me a lot of time on Saturdays, studying league tables and form guides before putting an accumulator on four of five teams to win. The random bet creating app could not be worse than the results I achieve – which is currently as fruitful as tearing my money into pieces and pissing on it from a small scaffold constructed from my own frozen arm hair.

An app that tells you how frequently you use the apps on your phone. Is this meta or what? I think so. I would like to make my engagement with my phone more efficient – you know, so I could spend more time refreshing my Twitter feed to see people make the same joke about The Great British Clarinet Waltz final.

An app that breaks up a long bit of text into tweets for you – tweets that would appear together. There might be an app that can do this, but it’s not very well publicised and I don’t know about it. Does something exist if I don’t know about it? Oooh..well the answer is: yes, it exists if I don’t know about it AND IT EXISTS.

An App that tells a group of people where they are going to eat when they are all stood around saying none of them are that bothered about where they eat because they are “not fussy” but making a limp objection to every possible outcome anyone suggests.

An App that stops your phone connecting to Wifi networks for which you need a password to use properly.

An App that automatically likes people’s statuses on Facebook that are questions but makes no attempt to answer the question – to save people the time who do this. It’s so other people see it…THERE IS A FUCKING SHARE OPTION.

An App that automatically sends both people a text saying sorry when they are being dicks and arguing for no reason other than being a dick. NB. This could a make a modern day retelling of Pride and Prejudice difficult to tell realistically.