I am painting myself into a corner here and no mistake.

I’ve been sending Fred Perry angry emails because they use DHL as a courier. DHL is a bad courier. A very bad courier.

The truth is that I was hoping they would go: OK, we’ll just post it to you using Royal Mail. But they just said, DHL are our fucking boys – if you don’t like it then you can fuck riiiiiight off. Or words to that effect. Fair enough, solid behaviour: we know that Fred got your back then there ain’t no slack (this phrase means nothing).

My problem with DHL is that they are shit. You get told a date. A date. It’s 2014 and the most precise they can be is a date. One in 365 over a year. Between the start of the day and the end of day on a date. And if it’s towards the end of a day then you’re pretty fucking trapped waiting for them.

I have had things delivered by companies who give you a ten minute window for delivery. And they make it. DPD I think it was.

And when you’ve missed DHL they don’t even leave a card. I know I’ve missed it because I chase it up with the internet (cheers internet, by the way). And then you have to either arrange a redelivery, back to square one, or go and collect it from them. GO AND COLLECT IT FROM THEM. They’re a delivery company.

And where is the depot? The nearest depot collection point to South Manchester is Melbourne, Australia. And it’s open four minutes a week, 3.52am until 3.56am.

I just wanted Fred P to say they would post it by Royal Mail. When they can’t get me they leave a card and I can get it from somewhere near by.

Now what do I do? I just wanted a limited edition Fred Perry Germany polo shirt. With no effort on my part.