Tuesday 11 March 2014

It has all calmed down a bit now. Which is good because I am about to return to work. There is sleep happening and I am not spending hours on the internet googling every single thing I half-worry about.

There is still a lot of tiredness but I’m getting used to it. Also you reach a point where you aren’t able to stay awake and be worried anymore. And then you have a few sleeps out of not being able to not sleep anymore. And then you accept that things are OK when you are asleep. [Also, let’s not make out I am any kind of hero – I am no longer involved in the wee small hour, my partner does that without me: though I have breasts they don’t have the necessary functionality to be of use here.]

Perhaps it is some kind of God complex. Amongst the vast range of emotions over the last few weeks the base sense of creation is strong. It does all feel a bit Lion King from time to time. I just hope I don’t get killed by a stampede of buffalo because my brother throws me under.

The tiredness if definitely the cliché that you kind of hear but don’t take seriously. I can not sleep, I’ve done 24-hour sessions, I’ve stayed up all night. Well, (1) when I did those I was younger – but (2) it’s not that I didn’t sleep the first 10-14 days, it’s that I’d intermittently sleep for a couple of hours. You never get proper sleep. It’s like charging your phone every time it gets to 1% but only charging it to 3%.

A week or so after he was born a friend took me to the supermarket to do some shopping. I was struggling to get sentences out.

Then I had a full night’s sleep when my mum stayed over and it was like the greatest sleep ever.

But then, as I said, tiredness – and common sense wins – and we realised that maybe one of us doesn’t have to be awake when he’s asleep. As long as one of us is awake when he’s awake we’re fine. Ultimately there is not a human who can survive without sleep – and there is only so much you can google about things being wrong with a baby.

I would love to say I was just better than everything but it’s mainly because I ran out of energy.


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