Wednesday 05 March 2014

How dare they? How very dare they? I mean who do they think they are these people? Do they not understand us?

My immediate reaction to the news that BBC3 was being reformatted as a service only available to people with a Sega Game Gear TV adaptor  subsided when it turned out I had been the victim of a cruel March 05 joke.

Who were these people outraged at the announcement that the jewel in the BBC’s output for 15-19 year olds crown was to become a non-channel? Were they all people like me? I don’t know how young people watch TV shows. I’m THIRTY-FIVE.

Young people don’t need the likes of me knowing what they watch. How do I know? Because – when I can’t find ANYTHING ELSE on a whole host of other channels – I put BBC3 on and watch Shagging My Dad’s Boss or Chlamydia Camp. And I fucking love them.

The youth don’t want me watching them though. In fact the thought of people in their thirties watching their shit programmes probably puts them off. Without your traditional TV channel format I wouldn’t know what to watch. The teenagers would presumably tell each other on MySpace or something.

Who is this really a blow for then? Well the most vocal people have been the people who are in BBC3 shows but definitely don’t watch BBC3. That’s Jack Whitehall, that Russell actor one who was in Sherlock’s Baskervilles and that cunt from Radio One. If it puts Gremmy out of a bit of work I am in favour of the closure of the BBC.

Who else does it affect? The makers of TV scheduling magazines. The goose that laid the golden egg. Any oligarch who’s any oligarch has his, always his, finger in a TV listings pie. Over 90% of British TV listings magazine are now owned by Russian gangsters. What better way to show these oligarchs who’s in charge then by removing the need for listings magazines?

So: youth wins privacy from boring adults watching their TV shows; we show the oligarchs who really holds the power. The only real tragedy, therefore, seems to be that this is potentially the first step in dismantling one of the greatest British institutions.

Stop crying into your bloody copy of The Guardian. Get over it! BBC3’s output on a digital format with a budget of £45 a year will be exactly as good as it is now. Yes, that good.

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