Saturday 22 February 2014

I can be found quite often sharing my affection for my son. It is not unusual for me to be shouting “I effing love you” at him while he is being fed. Note the lack of cuss – I am consistent with the approach that he has any concept of meaning in what I say. He does not.

I also just repeat the phrase “I love you” excessively when I am holding him. I am behaving towards him exactly as I would hate someone to treat me. Except for holding me and washing me every time I do a toilet, I would like that.

In fact my relationship with Woodrow is much like the one between Buddy the Elf and his father in the film Elf. Essentially I spend a lot of time telling him I love him while his expression remains glazed and unresponsive. I also expend quite a lot of energy doing things to entertain him – even though I know his vision stops a few centimetres beyond the edge of his nose.

I also use lots of sugar to stay up all night.

He does dress more like Buddy, owing to him not having many clothes that fit him yet and some of the ones that do are green and red striped leggings.

I need to remember that the best way to get someone to love you is to treat them like shit. Or at least be a bit ambivalent to them after a short period of being over-keen on them. I shall make a mental note to pretend I have forgotten his name in a few weeks. And then be overly nice to other babies when he is around. I will make him adore me.

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