Monday 06 January 2014

Today was the unofficial start of 2014.

After last weeks ghost town of an office, most people returned today. This meant that all the brave, brave heroes, such as myself, who worked last week had to (a) have the ‘did you have a nice Christmas?’ conversations AGAIN, and (b) listen to other people talk about the struggle to return to work having had four extra days holiday.

Not that I am bitter about the lack of a Leavecember or anything.

I am not pretending that I am young or anything but I am still very much in the ‘what presents did you get?’ camp. Adults seem to just ask if people had a nice break and not talk about what gifts they got. Idiots.

The standard remark people say to me is ‘big year for you this’. I gave up on trying to come up with a witty riposte after the first one or two.

There are other things people want to tell me about the impending fatherhood:

  • I won’t know what’s hit me (I will: a baby)
  • I should get my sleep in now (You can’t store sleep up)
  • I should be out on the piss while I have the chance (well they can’t be all be wrong)
  • I am going to change (I should hope so)

The ‘going to change’ thing is always said in a tone that suggests some kind of knowing wisdom that I could not possibly be aware of. And I am fully prepared to accept that I cannot fully comprehend the rush of emotions I will feel for the emitted bastard. But I kind of have an idea. I will feel like I do about my iPhone – perhaps with an extra 7% of fondness.

Some people – and it would be wrong to say it was a specific age or gender, but they’re all the same gender and age group – seem to think I will become a different person. I am pretty sure I am not going to change personality. You’d think the world wasn’t full of pricks with children. I fully intend to sustain being a cunt. I just probably won’t be a cunt to my progeny as I am not a cunt to the people I love already*.

If you haven’t had the fortune of wanting to make small talk with me in the last few months then the answers are:

  • 9th February
  • we don’t know
  • we didn’t until mid-December and then we chose some, but I’m not telling you
  • Of course I am but that doesn’t mean I have to talk about it all the time.

*That is a joke that only the people I love will get: I am a massive cunt to them as well.

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