Wednesday 01 January 2014

Even saying you don’t do new year’s resolutions has become trite. People now give up smoking as a matter of course and get people to sponsor them for not drinking for eight days. Of course they are doing it for the money people feel obliged to sponsor them but they will email people/put on Facebook that they are doing it for the attention.

Perhaps we should all be less insular about new year changes. Maybe we could all ask those around us to make changes?

I would like to ask people to stop being embarrassed about knowing things. Or accomplishing things. Also included in this would be knowingly saying the wrong word or phrase to appear slightly aloof towards something. IT’S CALLED TWITTER. THE VERB AND NOUN IS TWEET. Now fuck off. You know it’s called Twitter and not Twotter or twitting.

No-one likes you or thinks you are funny because you purposefully pretend to not know the proper names or words for things.

When you are asked how you did something, just tell people. Explaining how you did something isn’t being arrogant. Robbie Williams is arrogant. And it’s not because he knows how to manipulate data on an excel spreadsheet or do a mailmerge or how to use a website.  It’s because he’s arrogant.

And also telling people how you did something/explaining to them how to do it doesn’t mean that you have lost some giant advantage over them in life. If knowing how to do one thing is what keeps you above friends, colleagues or even rivals then you probably aren’t really above them. Not that you think this, you think you seem a big old show-off for knowing how to do something properly.

It’s OK, relax. You aren’t a show-off. Unfortunately that is what they will call you, the people to whom you explain these things. They will sneer at you, you instruction reading smart-arse cunt. But don’t worry – these are the people who burn down pediatrician’s houses when the News of The World told them to stop children being murdered.

You don’t need them to like you. Happy new year.

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