Sunday 22 December 2013

Just fucking horrible. Horrible, horrible.

What on earth made me think going city centre shopping on the last Sunday before Christmas with a heavy hangover was a good idea? It WAS NOT a good idea.

I couldn’t even get my brain to rationalise not carrying on walking and waiting for a bus and my first mistake became walking all the way to town without any food or drink in me. Well there was some drink in me but it was from the previous night and it was doing my insides the world of bad.

However the long (not that long) walk to town turned out to be a high point. The main thing I was after was a present for my niece. The one person you don’t want to let down at Christmas is your two and three-quarter year old niece. I couldn’t find the thing she wanted anywhere. I was all of a sudden Arnold Schwarzenegger in Jingle All The Way only my experience was not a fun-filled experience for the whole family.

NB I haven’t seen Jingle All The Way. I am under the apprehension that it involves Arnie’s character trying to find a much-wanted present for his son/daughter. So if that isn’t at least part of the plot I hope this explains why I referred to it in the previous paragraph (as though it was part of the plot).

I didn’t get the present. I was told different things by different people about its availability. None of these statements was, “We just don’t do it.” Which was the reason none of them had it. Most of the reasons given were lies. Especially the one where the woman told me it didn’t exist and I’d made it all up for attention and she was going to call the police*.

I’m just saying there are times where you can see where those people who go on killing rampages are coming from. What did I do in the situation where I was at the end of my tether? I went and found my partner on her birthday drinks with friends and lasted .4 seconds not drinking because of my hangover, had a bloody mary and got the heck on with it.

So, next time you’re in an American town and you see some loner in a trench coat carrying a loaded gun who is clearly intent on going on a shooting spree just say, “hey, hey you! Yes, you with the clear intention of killing some innocent people: have a bloody mary and get the heck on with it.”

Actually you might want to rephrase it. That sounds a bit like you’re suggesting they got on with the killing spree. I meant it to sound like you’re saying get on with your life and DON’T do a killing spree. Sorrr-eeeeee.

*This didn’t happen, this is just to reassure people who take everything so literally. It’s a made-up event, it didn’t happen – people did lie to me about the product but they didn’t go that far. I was trying to be funny. Sorry.

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