Friday 20 December 2013

We do the bus tour of Oxford. It is very interesting as you’d expect from somewhere that kind of invented being clever. As part of the slightly-poor-value ticket we get some headphones the we get to plug into the bus for a tour guide. At one point I think there is a needless reference to Jews and money. I am pretty sure it is all factual and well researched, one imagines they do check this kind of thing for anti-semitism.

However we stay on the tour once around and then start again to get off somewhere we fancy walking around and I hear the same bit again. So it feels a bit like they are a bore at a party with a theory. OK, OK the Christians banned lending money so the Jews did all the money lending, what are you trying to say?

In the bits inbetween being on the bus we are quite often around tourists (wankers eh?). I don’t mind people so much when they accept that the big pack on their back is, by extension, a part of them and repeatedly turning around in crowds is really fucking unhelpful to everyone else (you fucking backpack cunts).

The Museum of The History of Science is maybe my Oxford highlight. I get to see a blackboard that Einstein wrote on, some equipment Marconi used to do his first radio transmissions. And a sign telling backpack cunts to stop being cunts with their backpacks. Another highlight is seeing some shrunken heads later on (this isn’t at the museum of science, believe it or not).

In the evening we go to Christmas Concert at the King’s College. This was kind of the centrepiece of the trip I planned. And it is pretty, pretty good. And my partner really likes it – and as her birthday present it is more about her. Admittedly my impression of how happy she is, rather than actually how happy she is. But what do you want me to do? Be in her head?

There is no vicar-y type man but inbetween choir and occasional singalongs there is a man doing readings. A couple of times he sounds a little odd. Not like man on crack weird but a little non-man-doing-a-reading-at-a-cathedral. A few of the readings are less traditional and a lot of the people there are very impressed (C of E is progressive eh? To be fair if it’s going to be compared to the other religions then it is pretty progressive. However, comparing something to leading religions when looking at progressive philosophies is perhaps not giving it a really hard test – I am allowed to say all of this I am a fully christened C of E-er).

The day is rounded off by the hotel allowing us to order room service, phoning 40 minutes later to say the food isn’t happening because of a mix-up, me getting shirty and telling my partner to DEMAND a reason why it has taken 40 minutes for this mix-up to be reported, me refusing to say a sandwich I’d have in the absence of the hot food, me saying the name of a sandwich I would have because I am a fat cunt, reception phoning back 3 minutes later to say there had now been a mix-up about the reporting of the original mix-up and that our original order would be delivered. We then received our original order (compliments of the hotel) with an extra plate with chips and a sandwich we hadn’t ordered on it. That’s the Four Pillars Hotel, Oxford.

Screen Shot 2013-12-23 at 22.21.51

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