Saturday 14 December 2013

It’s sensible that the first thing one buys for a child is a duffle coat, right?

There is no bed (cot??), no baby grows and no baby-compass (pretty sure this is a thing, heard someone talk about it on the radio some days ago, “Oh yeah, first thing you get nowadays is your baby compass – how the piss else you gonna find your baby? etc.”

Well…. regardless. I was hungover and I saw a duffle coat for a small human. Normally I would have just thought, ‘how can I become that small and thus wear this coat?’. Or possibly, ‘is there something I shine on this coat to grow it to a size that would fit me?’

Now I am a part of a team that is putting together a human. My main input was some months ago now but I shall have a hand in dressing it. And (at this rate) it shall mainly be wearing a duffle coat.

People overthink this stuff. As long as I buy it the essentials (golf bag, earrings and fishing rod) everything will be fine.  And by ‘everything’ I mean ‘having a duffle coat’ and by ‘will be fine’ I mean ‘will be all I have to offer a small human because I am generally unprepared for things regardless of importance to grander scheme of things.’

Seriously though, I’ll piss it. You know when there’s an earthquake and they find a baby in the rubble? Well can me being a father be any more of a threat than being in a building that falls down around a baby due to structural safety not being integral to buildings in a medium-to-high earthquake region?

On the upside: everyone seems to think I’m fucking adorable for buying it. I wouldn’t mind but I’ve always been adorable.

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