Tuesday 05 November 2013

Blowing up the houses of parliament on the fifth of November would be a pretty bold move.

But if there were freelance terrorism planners then it would be coming around to some kind of tribute terrorism. There are only so much originality left in major acts of terrorism. Much like most creative arts there comes a time when looking to the past is a spark of influence for contemporary creation.

In a cave somewhere in Vagbloizstaq (one of the made up countries they use in American TV/films to avoid being directly racist even though it’s clearly Iraq or somewhere muslim). In the room there are several top heads of a splinter cell, they’re properly ticked off at the West. But they can’t think of something to do to show the West that they’re pissed off. They realised they can’t just fly another plane into another building. So they call in the Terrorist Attack Planner – a marketing professional from Hackney doing some freelance work.

“If there’s a heritage act of terrorism it’s the Gunpowder plot. And it didn’t even happen. Guy Fawkes, the Osama Bin Laden of the 17th century, didn’t succeed. Now is your chance to to improve on the legend…ladies and gentlemen, I give you…” [he steps back and presses a button on a small remote in his hand, a projector jumps to life and projects an image on to the walls of the cave] “…..FIVE-ELEVEN!!!!!”

Fireworks go off and the 5/11 graphic morphs into a computer representation of the HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT. A voiceover says some things [these need fact checking] “Built over 4000 years ago the Houses of Parliament in London have been the home of the Kings and Queens of England for almost as long….” The presentation would go on to introduce the face of 5/11, CATHERINE WHEEL, the granddaughter of Guy Fawkes. She’s a beautiful international 21-year-old model with a Masters in International Terrorism and a Doctorate in REVENGE.

“Catherine will succeed where Fawkes failed. Research has shown that international terrorism is viewed in a negative light – but women are viewed POSITIVELY and our focus group suggests the key male demographic 18-35 would forgive an attractive woman if they killed lots of people and destroyed the seat of British government.”

“The only people confused by the focus group conversations were member of the far right groups invited. They felt it was horrible that foreigners would do terrorism, BUT they were attracted to the strong British heritage of the attack, saying that if there was going to be a major terrorist attack they would like it to be something done by a white man. They did say it was disgusting when they were told that Fawkes was part of Catholic attack, calling him IRA scum, but then relaxed when they found out he was from York – suggesting he was brainwashed.”

“I wouldn’t worry too much about what they think, it’s the kind of thing you would only need to force in if you were trying to make a confused point in an essentially pointless little skit.”

“The build-up to 5/11 could be done fairly inexpensively: a Catherine Wheel Twitter account for example would be free to create and run. We could do some really effective viral marketing for almost nothing. This could be contracted to my marketing firm for £4 million. We could also do some Youtube videos that look like they were done on a phone with no creativity, even though they were done by media company, for a further £1.7 million.”

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you 5/11.” Cue more fireworks (some people haven’t realised the intertextuality of the fireworks – including the marketing man who planned it) and a generic driving dance song as the projector shows the computerised Houses of Parliament blowing up in slow motion from numerous angles.

The terrorists stand and applaud. They are impressed but unsure that it’s a better campaign than the campaign of chemical warfare pitched at a similar price by THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT…BOOOM.. SATIRE that…I’m out of here.

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