Wednesday 09 October 2013

Whereas the interlopers at Stewart Lee last Friday were an annoying minority there being a lot of lemons at Russell Brand was not exactly a surprise. Russell Brand is to lots of women who seriously think they can sex him as a light bulb is to moths. If the bulb was really funny it would be an even more apt comparison.

If the first ten minutes or so of screaming women, being encouraged by Brand are a little annoying it is not like Brand isn’t self-aware enough to point out that most people are probably getting a bit annoyed/bored by it now and waiting for him to start talking about something more than mingling his sex carrots in their sexy lady stew, or something.

While the constant snapping of seats as people go the bar/toilet/bar&toilet is an unfortunate by-product of watching someone as famous as Brand at a venue as big as the o2 Apollo you shouldn’t have to cope with the photographically inept. Throughout the 90-minute set we had to cope with woman behind us taking LOTS of pictures. That’s no real problem you might reasonably point out. But she was using a very bright flash on each picture, which gets annoying after a bit.

Not just annoying in a ‘distracting in my peripheral vision’ kind of way. Annoying in a ‘for fuck’s sake hasn’t she ever picked up on having done this before and realised that the thing in the picture all lit up and in focus is the thing near the camera that a small flash could illuminate whereas it’s got no chance of making a figure 30 metres away in a large, dark room look any better in a picture’ kind of way.

There was a cherry on the Russell Brand cake when after a long wait I finally got to own my very own Phil Coca-Cola thanks to the noble efforts of the Tyrers, two of the finer non-mythical people in modern Britain. Several months ago I made a plea to help me out and this was the end of, what can only be subscribed as, a harrowing wait.

In fact the Tyrers were not the first people to get me a Phil Coke with this Coke I received tonight but don’t think they were beaten by non-Tyrers. For the first Phil Coke bought for me was also Tyrer scouted, funded and endorsed. However tragedy struck when the Coke was passed on to Emma Byrne who entrusted Allister White to complete the journey of the Coke to its intended destination.

It never got to me, that first Coke. Despite a hope that this other Phil Coke is out there somewhere I have to face facts that is probably not and move on with it. Sure I could waste a lot of time and money and media coverage imagining what the bottle of Coke with my name on would look like if it was still alive but it’s best just to move on. Which I have done.

God might love a tryer but I, who is probably better than God, loves two Tyrers (and Coke).

God might love a tryer but I, who is probably better than God, loves two Tyrers (and Coke).

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