Thursday 26 September 2013

A Drain More House

I fucking swam the length of the long pool! I didn’t want to be one of those people who didn’t live up to his own hype so I kept it quiet that I intended to complete this Herculean task before the end of my holiday.

There had been a couple of aborted attempts over the last couple of days. One or two maxed out at about two-thirds the length of the pool. All the attempts had been going from the deep end to the shallow end. This afternoon I thought I’d give it a go the other way. The logic was that my (definitely not psychological swimming ability) swimming always gave up in the shallow water when my feet were very near the floor. I also do get a bit tired of doing the breaststroke and I don’t feel very comfortable doing the crawl because I don’t like water near my face (understand why I’m not good at swimming yet?)

I start of doing a strong breaststroke. About halfway there is a bit of tiredness and I fear it’s another failure and switch to the doggy paddle for a couple of seconds before carrying on with the breaststroke. Five or six metres from the end my arms are tired again and I go mental and do a crawl, getting almost all of my face wet, so I finish quicker. Like Ian Thorpe or something. I consider the next Olympics as a realistic goal to aim for.

All the things you said, running through my head

Stupidly I think watching a documentary about people being addicted to tattoos is a good idea as I need to fall asleep before getting up early for the flight home. Also, I don’t like tattoos. Perhaps it will open me up to them. Or perhaps not. A large man with tattoos all over his face claims his long-term unemployment is down to small-minded prejudices about people that have tattoos all over their face. And perhaps he is right but you wouldn’t choose a childminder with tattoos all over their face so save me your judgement of med judging his judgement on society’s judgement.

A young lad from Yorkshire seems to implicate tattoos in his misguided view that he has a deep bond with the world famous rapper Eminem. Evidence: they both went to school and really want to be famous rappers. Those were his words. I’d argue Eminem wanted to be a rapper and this lad just really likes Eminem, is a bit simple, and needs to grow up a bit. To prove he is like Eminem we are shown him entering a freestyle rap battle in Detroit where he out skills far more experienced MCs. No wait, we see him in a pub in Rotherham doing a karaoke version of one of the worst Eminem songs released. To be fist it is not the worst karaoke hip hop song I’ve heard. But that isn’t a suggestion that he is remotely talented.

He has slim tattooed in one forearm and shady tattooed on the other. Since the tattoos he has realised that the way he folds his arms makes the combined effect read Shady Slim (Eminem has several pseudonyms, one of which is Slim Shady – didn’t you even know that you boring shit?)

We also meet a man who is quite deeply fond of his dogs. Mainly one dog who died a year ago. He is having a large tattoo of the dog on his right thigh embellished with some angel’s wings and the date his dog died on. Later in the documentary he will tell the fat man who has a tattooed face that his tattoos don’t have much of a point or structure. If the counterpoint to this is having the face a bulldog (possibly another breed of that ilk – the kind of dog that would be in the news for biting a child’s cheek off)embellished with some angel wings covering half of your leg then, and I never thought I’d write this, I’m with the fat man whose head is covered in tattoos.

The program revisits the junior Eminem. He seems to have another role model. Which is good because you might look back on regret being obsessed with…no wait, his other role model is Batman. Yes, THE Batman from films and comic books. And the lad is having a big colour tattoo of him down his arm. And he thinks he has a lot in common with Batman as well. He doesn’t elaborate on what it is as he did with Eminem (went to school & wanted to be a rapper remember).

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