Sunday 25 August 2013

I’m sat in a church. It’s not a religious thing, it’s a wedding. I’ve naturally gravitated to (and am told to sit with) two teenagers, the young end of being teenaged at that. Thankfully I have done well out of this deal as I can have a proper conversation with them. There are quite a few vicars sat around me (long story) and I have just noticed a couple of pictures of winged lions.

The winged lion is a revelation (pardon the pun) to me. I have spent at least three hours of my life in a church over the last 30 years. Plus not paid attention to minimal religious education during my education. And during all of this no-one has ever mentioned a lion with wings. And neither have my new friends.

I can’t lose face, though. I am an adult and I need to show these charges some wisdom. So, I tell them how Jesus once got attacked by a couple of street youths who tried to steal his iPhone. And how Jesus said that he didn’t have an iPhone and so he couldn’t give them one. And that the leader of the punk kids was all like “we know you’ve got it in your sock – give us your iPhone beardy.” And Jesus really didn’t want to give the gang his iPhone – he had couple of new Apps on there and his high score on Temple Run was pretty impressive, he didn’t realise that as he’d registered with the relevant company this score would be saved.

But just as he as about to sacrificed his iPhone 5 a lion flew down, with its wings, and told the street gang to fuck off. And they fucked off. And Jesus and his iPhone were sound.

We also came up with some ideas to freshen up the whole wedding experience – we were at a wedding, waiting for the bride no less. I told them how at a Hindu wedding I attended there was a packed lunch under everyone’s chair. I also suggested there could be trailers for up-coming weddings at the church. And perhaps funerals.

Another idea was that during that bit while you’re sat there waiting for them to sign the wedding certificate (how long does it take to right your name? Why is that a good few minutes at most weddings? I can sign my name in like 1.3 seconds.) you could have some analysis of the ceremony by top wedding pundits (Barbara Windsor, Cilla Black etc).

I haven’t copyrighted any of these ideas so go for it if you want to make $£$£$£$£$

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