There was one of those sand sculpture making men in Manchester* today. He was doing a dog. A dog-sized dog. In the shape of a dog. No un-dog features.
Why fucking bother? There are loads of homeless people with real dogs all over the streets of Manchester. And if you’re a dog lover then get a dog. How is momentarily looking at something that looks like a dog filling any part of your desires (and I don’t mean sexy ones – grow up**)?
My advice to the sand sculptor would be to make something like a dog with a crisp packet instead of a head. Or a dog’s head on the Queen’s leg. Or a version of the pop star Tulisa not being unnecessarily harshly judged because she’s a working class woman doing exactly nothing wrong. Something different (to a fucking dog).
*I was going to say on Market Street but it was outside Primark and I can never work out if that is still Market Street; I think it is still Market Street but you’re (I am) always a bit unsure when a street becomes another street if they have a long straight bit but then seem to change direction significantly. If you’re struggling to picture what I mean: go to Manchester city centre and go to Market Street, so you’re between Boots and the…what is opposite Boots on the other side? It used to be Top Shop and an HMV and a travel agents or something…well whatever is there, stand there. And walk up/down Market street, walk towards Debenhams. You’re going to have to avoid a lot of people asking you to buy some kind of thing where you give someone in the street some of your time and they still want your money but you don’t get anything, other than a deep sense of regret that you didn’t ignore them. Also: try not to get distracted by the men pretending to be walking in the wind (they just have metal wire in their clothes making them look windswept – I paid £50 on eBay to the secret to that trick). Anyway, if you’ve ignored all of the distractions and you get to the road before Primark – are you at the top of Market Street or just still somewhere on Market Street? It is confusing. And people saying it isn’t confusing just KNOW where Market Street ends and if you don’t know then you’re a bit rich lording it over me (you prick).
**I bet there are people turned on by sand-dogs. Sick bastards.