Tuesday 30 July 2013

Can there be any greater tragedy than accidentally getting your shampoo and conditioner confused in the shower? I must have done it three or four times in my poetic existence. Each more AND less AND equally as tragic as the other occasion that it has happened.

Before I continue with this ballad of hair cleansing tragedy I must make something clear: it is only tragic when you accidentally eject some conditioner in place of shampoo. If you accidentally get some shampoo after you have already shampood you just double-shampoo. Double-shampooing is not a tragedy: it’s living four minutes of life as George Clooney, the actor.

No, I am talking – unnecessarily specifically – about the times you think you have put shampoo in your cupped hand and you realise that you have, in fact, a small pool of conditioner (in your cupped hand).

If you’re me, and I’m pretty sure only one of the eight people who reads this will be (me), there is no way you are doing the two things that might seem obvious:

  1. Flick off the shampoo conditioner (see how easy it is?) like you have done with so much ejaculated semen – and replace it with some conditioner fucking hell…shampoo and proceed as you do every other day.
  2. Just go ahead and rub the conditioner in your hair and then apply the shampoo.

Option 1 seems the obvious way to go. There is no rational way to explain NOT doing this. The only possible reason would be not wanting to waste some conditioner. It’s hardly a baby panda – what am I preserving? Is it the financial implication? Maybe when I was a Toni & Guy whore that might have flown but these days I use 99p Alberto Balsam conditioner (and 99p Alberto Balsam shampoo). The amount of conditioner I have in my hand is probably worth less than one pence. And I spend BIG BUCKS on clothes that I don’t wear and bags that I don’t use*.

And option 2 is just madness. They can’t possibly work being applied the other way around. If you think they work the other way around then good luck to you….good luck to you.

Perhaps a reasonable negotiation is to add the shampoo to the premature conditioner, mix them and use a homemade Wash ‘n’ Go. Who wants to use a combined shampoo and conditioner, though? What is it? 1992? ZING. I just zinged Wash ‘n’ Go. I zinged it real good.

So, what do I do? I’ll tell you what I do: I try and keep the handful of conditioner out of the shower’s monotonous downpour and I – ONE-HANDED – pick up the shampoo, put the shampoo into the hand I AM HOLDING THE SHAMPOO WITH, apply the shampoo liberally to my thick, luscious locks – lathering thoroughly (WITH ONE HAND), and rinsing (again thoroughly). Then, tw0-handed now, I massage the conditioner, protected all this time, into my thick, luscious locks – leaving for a minute before rinsing the conditioner.

And I have done it: I haven’t let the bullies win; I haven’t wasted one pence of conditioner; I haven’t taken the path of least resistance. I have won; I have done it; I am the conditioner-in-chief of the shower cubicle.

When this happens it only adds thirty-five or forty minutes on to the duration of my morning shower. This morning, to save me from tears, I did option 1. And it didn’t kill me. I didn’t think of myself as a stupid fucking failure. And I most certainly didn’t think it was significant enough to write over 600 words about it**.

*Apologies if I sounded big time then – it’s hard not to sound big time when you are big time.
**The joke here has more than one level. It seems like there is only the one level: that even though I am saying it is not significant enough to write a blog about it, I HAVE written a blog about it. The second level is that nothing I ever write about is significant. Did you get it on both levels? Well done if you did.

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