Wednesday 17 July 2013

I would prefer all my deliveries to come via Royal Mail. I would not like them to be privatised and I would happily pay a little more than I already do for stamps (five times a year).

Apart from anything else the courier firms used by people who don’t use RM are all terrible. They seem to either want to stalk you or not acknowledge your existence. One firm, lets say DPL (even though it could be any of them), sends me about 300 SMS text messages and 90 emails.

EMAIL 1: Thank you for your order of pretentious clothing – you realise the stuff that’s a quarter of the price is just as good quality right? – your delivery will be despatched in 9-15 working days.

EMAIL 2: Your delivery is ready for despatch. Expect delivery tomorrow.

SMS1: Your delivery is ready for despatch. Expect delivery tomorrow.

EMAIL3: Your delivery is still ready for despatch – a guy is putting it in a cage to take down to the van right now. Expect delivery tomorrow.

EMAIL4: Your delivery is now out for despatch. Well we say that – it’s in the back of a van in the loading bay. The driver is talking to a couple of other drivers about the M16 yesterday. Expect delivery tomorrow.

EMAIL5: Your delivery is now en route! It IS heading back to the original depot but that’s because the driver has left his flask on the side and he doesn’t want to risk it being OK – there are a lot of temporary workers at he depot and it’s an expensive flask. Expect delivery tomorrow.

EMAIL6: What do you think of how everyone is just OK with the horse meat thing? It was a bit flash in the pan wasn’t it? They fed us horse without telling us…Expect delivery tomorrow… wait it’s just gone midnight…expect it today.

EMAIL7: Your delivery is in Manchester and will be with a local delivery driver for despatch today. Expect your delivery in the following window: 0919-0938.

SMS2: Your delivery is in Manchester and will be with a local delivery driver for despatch today. Expect your delivery in the following window: 0919-0938.

EMAIL8: Hey you. Was just thinking about your parcel getting there. 0919-0938. Be there.

EMAIL9: Did you get my last email? 0919-0938.

SMS3: Nearly there. Will u be ready? ;)

SMS4: I do more deliveries than a midwife :)))))) lolz 0919-0938

EMAIL10: You can track your delivery online if you don’t believe me when I say it’s out for delivery. Why would I lie? Check it if you want. I will know if you checked it.

EMAIL11: Thank you for not checking.

SMS5: I can’t wait to deliver this to you. My touch sensitive screen is ready for your signature!! xx

EMAIL12: It’s 0922 and you’re not here. I’m outside. I’m going to ring the bell. You could have been waiting for me. Some people are waiting for me when they know I am coming.

SMS6: BUZZ! It’s me!! :) I’ve got a little sumthin 4 u!! (your parcel from Lyle and Scott)

EMAIL13: Your package has been delivered. For proof of delivery please visit our website. Why would you check it? Don’t you trust me? I thought that meant something to you. It meant something to me.

SMS7: This is the nicest signature I’ve ever collected. I miss you already. XOXOX


Whereas some of the other companies clearly just have a contract which means they don’t have to care about how bad they are because there is no agreement about how bad the service has to be. Let’s call these UPS.

EMAIL1 You ordered something from Adidas? We didn’t ask you to. Expect it: 2013-ish. Whatever year it is we will definitely come when you’re at work – we have a way of checking so don’t think it might come on a sneaky day off. Oh, and we can’t change the delivery address to your work without the written confirmation of everyone who has represented France at the Olympics (Summer and Winter).

EMAIL2: That thing – a couple of months back – we left it in a park about 1o miles away. We think. You’ve left it too long to report it missing now. If you’ve got any complaints then please write your words on a kite or something: we don’t do phone, email or letter communication.

Royal Mail, on the other hand, just deliver my stuff or leave a card so I can go and collect it at my own leisure.

Postman Pat was one of my favourite shows as a child. FACT.

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