Saturday 13 July 2013

I don’t want to say I can comment explicitly on the customer service policy of Boots (the chemist). I can only comment on the experience of one man (me).

For reasons involving alcohol; confidence in my sexuality; being open to non-gender defined cosmetics; a calm confidence that only a well-endowed man can have – AND OTHER positive reasons – I have had painted nails on my thumbs for the last week.

I was in Boots (the chemist) purchasing a variety of products to maintain my excellent personal hygiene levels. At the cash register the woman serving me saw my thumbs and gave them the old raised eyebrows. Crucially she did not say anything; who can be 100% certain on the meaning of eyebrow movement? She definitely did mean what the fuck have you got light blue nail varnish on for?

Not being the kind of man to shy from a conversation with a stranger (it’s people I’ve met I shy away from talking to) I said, “I was drunk the other night and I asked my girlfriend to put it on. What do you think? I like it.” Again, crucially, I had said ‘my girlfriend’ making it clear this was just a heterosexual man investigating the way he adorns his body; painted bright blue fingernails are just as heterosexual as tattoos of skulls.

She didn’t reply. Her face suggested she wasn’t sold on the idea. She liked a man’s man (her blank facial expression said) – she liked the only discolouration of a man’s thumbnails to be congealed oil and grease under the thumbnails from a day spent mining car engines (her blank expression continued, quite offensively).

“You’re not convinced are you?” I asked – I can be quite saucy when the feeling takes me. Her blank face insinuated a lot of hateful language that I really wasn’t comfortable hearing. I wasn’t hearing them, I want to be very clear about that; the hate terms were all being conveyed by a face, a face that to an onlooker might also be saying would you fuck off with this shit? I’m hot and I’ve been working all day and I don’t really understand what you’re saying.

Shit, I’ve just realised that she could have been a mute.

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