Monday 08 July 2013

When you follow the famous people on Twitter you see that there are a few things that happen.

One thing is NO MATTER what they say in their tweet there will immediately be a lot of replies ignoring the content of the tweet and asking if the famous person do something for them. Ordinary people seem to think because someone famous says something on Twitter there is an unwritten contract on behalf of the celebrity to also do something for people who follow them.

The main thing they will ask is that the celebrity follow them back. Because if you’re Rihanna you’re interested in this guy’s timeline. And Simon Cowell would definitely find the contents of this timeline interesting. Basically if you are an internationally famous multi-millionaire you’re going to be interested in the life of someone who thinks asking a famous to be their twitter friend is a normal thing to do.

Some people do have more noble ways of trying to get the attention of famous people (and in effect a more devious way to become Rio Ferdinand’s best friend) by replying with a request for the famous person to sponsor them – they don’t really ask politely they just put a link to their Just Giving page. Because if you’re running 5km raising £39 for an owl sanctuary you get to be mannerless.

Of course some replies are just pure sharing. When Ant ‘n’ Dec tweeted encouragement to a man making a golf win they were definitely hoping to get some sketches of themselves in return:

and the next comment was someone saying THAT was one of the best drawings of Ant ‘n’ Dec that the person had ever seen. I don’t see any picture of Ant ‘n’ Dec either so technically it has to be one of the best pictures of them I have ever seen. The best bit is Dec’s mouth.

The consolation for the famous people is that they get to have everything they say treated as though it is an Oscar Wilde bon mot. Take this from rotund actor-comedian James Corden:

EIGHTY-FOUR people retweeted it. EIGHTY-FOUR. It is quite a famous person saying hello and eighty-four people thought, “Fucking hell that’s good – but what if people follow me and not James Corden but would be interested in James Corden saying hello?” And 103 people marked it as one of their favourites. The numbers rise accordingly when Corden says something that has any content whatsoever. In March he tweeted that he ‘would totally join 5ive if they asked me’. Fair enough Cordo – The Big Reunion was proper hot TV and he was in on the mood of the nation. 2, 165 people retweeted that one (plus 1423 favourites).

And what did this get?

Nothing. Not even a single like or favourite. Not being famous is shit. I would totally be prepared to ignore lots of noble-but-overwhelmingly-monotonous charity requests just to get something that wasn’t that funny or interesting repeated to people that already followed me anyway. It is quite a good joke, though. It fucking is.

I’ll leave you with a picture from yesterday’s Charlatans gig (yes – I did tweet it to Tim Burgess actually. But I’m totally not like the people I’ve just slagged off.)


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