Monday 24 June 2013

“Are you one of the millions of people around the world who believes in Angels?” asks Gloria Hunniford at the start of Angels which I stumbled upon this morning while looking for something to delay going to work.

To describe Angels as must-see television would be to sell it short. After Gloria’s beautiful voice who asked me a question that I instantly answered ‘no’ to firmly a piece of VT began, “From the top of the christmas tree to Piccadilly Circus they touch every part of our lives…” the voiceover man was talking about…..ANGELS. At this stage I clicked that the musical accompaniment to the videotape was a rubbish musak version of Robbie William’s hit pop song Millenium. Seconds later I had another realisation: it’s not Millenium – it’s fucking Angels (by Robbie William, still).

It wasn’t long before I was ENCASED in intrigue about the life – and near death – of a Toadfish lookalike called Ruben. Ruben was in a serious accident but didn’t die. Ruben puts this down to the intervention of a sexy [square-jawed and beautiful and VERY, VERY muscular, in the words of Ruben himself] angel – not the paramedics and doctors who saved him from death, so he could live on and honour their deeds by ascribing his survival to a magical member of Jesus’ ghost army (an angel).

I quickly had time for a fat student to go from being a COMPLETE SCEPTIC to believing in angels in a matter of seconds – after a woman talked to him and told him an angel had said it was upset that he didn’t think they were real. It was a bit like that, I am only exaggerating a little bit.

I had to investigate whether or not this programme was part of some dream. I was delighted to find out that not only was I not dreaming, but that I had not even got to a five on Richter Scale of Angels. I don’t know what a ten would be – and I am not claiming I know what a ten would be, perhaps someone claiming they were married to an angel and had some half-angel children? But this clip on You Tube is definitely above a 6 (on the Richter Scale of the madness on TV show Angels with Gloria Hunniford).

Ladies and gentlemen…Steven Rowen:

It is “heart-warming in every sense of the word” isn’t it? You know all those sense of heart-warming. And accidentally finding a part that fixes a boiler is put down as the act of an angel. And not the act of a forgetful plumber. If this was the act of an angel then they are just getting bored and fucking about with us non-angels with all this carping about. Just fix the fucking boiler you daft angel fuck, or at least make the part appear at an opportune moment earlier.

And if it’s miracles we’re talking about than how about this guy’s fucking pie hole. I’ve seen some gobs in my real-life timeline but this trumps the biscuit. Well done that man – mouth of the century.

The show does offer a balanced opinion. However the sceptic, Christopher French,  is seen as a curmudgeon. Ultimately he is in a pro-angel environment and he has to rely on the same basic responses: it’s not angels, it’s a coincidence, they imagined it or it was just a person.

The psychic pro-angels expert, Glennyce Eckersley,  is portrayed in a way that suggests because she isn’t a hippy she is a hard-line scientist who just can’t contradict the undeniable evidence. But she believes in angels so she even if she hasn’t got unkempt grey hair and is generally dressed like a member of a 1970s prog-rock band she has some reality issues. She does admit that acts of angels COULD be described as coincidences, coincidences engineered from a higher source.

I do not believe in angels. (Angels do not exist.)

Footnote: Angels doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page (but I still believe it exists). In fact it’s not even mentioned on Hunniford’s page – I thought the lowest of the low was when someone was in something that was mentioned on Wikpedia but didn’t have its own page when you clicked on it. The disambiguation page for the word angels is pretty extensive – but this isn’t on there.

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