Friday 14 June 2013

I got little assistance with one of my recurring dilemmas at work today – and not the one regarding why I am attracted to Fearne Cotton (has she had her baby yet? Her name is an anagram of Reef An Cotton you know?).

No the thing that I find myself thinking about is what I would do if I woke up and everyone in Britain was dead. The next bit requires some stretch of the imagination – there might still be people away from Britain but they have no way of contacting me and there is no way of them travelling Britain.

So that’s the scenario. My dilemma is: would I just content myself with lazing around Britain or would I try and get to America? I certainly wouldn’t bother with Ireland and there are the language issues with Europe, so America is the only option really. And America is just better.

Not being able to drive or swim makes this one hell of a hypothetical for your hero. People assure me I would pick up driving quickly. But what if there are loads of abandoned cars everywhere (from everyone who died)? I don’t really like motorbikes so maybe a pushbike is the best way for me to begin my transatlantic voyage.

And do I go for a massive ocean liner or a smaller boat? I could end up wasting months of my life trying to reverse the QE2 out into the river-road to America, or however it works. But I go for a smaller boat and it’s privvy to the high seas a bit more. That said with a bigger boat like your QE2s how do you charge the battery/put the oil in or whatever? Just gonna have to read a book about how to drive boats.

The not swimming is the least of my worries. And I’ll tell you for why: life jackets and a spare boat. Whether I take a big boat or go in a little trawler I’d take a spare boat and have a life jacket on ALL THE TIME. And I deffo wouldn’t take a tiger with me. If no-one else learned anything from The Life of Pi then at least I did. Speaking of animals I don’t know if all the fish has survived whatever killed everyone in Britain (but me).

In fact I don’t think I’ll bother unless I can make sure the internet is still on. You may scoff but there must be some point or some way of it being turned off.

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