Saturday 01 June 2013

Apparently the average water bill for customers of Thames Water will go up by £100 before 2020. Because of the word average we all pretty much think of each customer paying around £100 extra each on their annual bill.

But that’s not the only way it could work. They could have a socialist vibe on this – the rich people could all pay like £1000 extra a year and non-rich people pay less (this will almost certainly end up being SOME less than £100 a year but it all depends on how many rich people there are in the Thames Water district.

Another way could be more gamble orientated. They could do it so that half of the people, regardless of wealth, pay £200 a year while the other half suffer no rise at all. They could make a pretty big deal out of it all. Imagine a TV show where there was a big vat of names (of every address in the Thames Water district) and they are pulled out one by one on prime time ITV. You think that only sounds potentially interesting to some Thames Water customers don’t you? Well deal with this: it’s hosted by Ant & Dec and musicians intermittently perform their latest hit single in between names being drawn. That’s fucking right  – now everyone is watching it, tweeting about how shit it is.

If you already thought that sounded brilliant – and I think we all know you did – then how about this scenario: 1 in 3 people pays an extra £300, the second third pays nothing extra but the last third receives £100 a year off their bill. Now who’s not interested in being involved in voting this in the Thames Water region? Losers, that’s who. You would have a TWO in THREE chance of not being stung with the £3oo bump. The odds are AGAINST your bill being affected. AGAINST.

Not only is this a great TV show – it’s a great gamble for the people of the Thames Water district. These companies have such a stupid way of launching these price rises. My idea has the same result for Thames Water but makes it seem exciting and offers two-thirds of the customers the chance to not lose out. They really do have no idea.

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