Tuesday 09 April 2013

I honestly can’t remember seeing an under-stocked vending machine. Which leads me to the very obvious conclusion that somebody has done something very right in the world of vending machine stock maintenance.

There are a couple of possible reasons:

1)      There is some kind of satellite maintenance of stock levels and replenishments are made based on precise algorithms, developed by Will Hunting.

2)      Vans carrying stock are visiting machines hourly to ensure stock levels are always high.

3)      No-one buys stuff from vending machines because it’s cheaper to buy food from the shop on a train.

Yes, I said “a couple” and then listed three reasons. What’s up square? A couple have to be just two reasons? You’re worse than them people who say gay marriage is the same as incest or people marrying dining rooms.

There is a fourth and some might say obvious possible reason: vending machines are controlled by a master race of lizards. Sorry: I David Icke’d it. I David Icke’d it to fuck.

Writing this – and I’m going to be both frank and accurate here – shit. Writing this shit reminds me that YEARS ago I wrote a rather hilarious pastiche of celebrity-based reality shows and it involved Bill Treacher winning a Channel 5 show called Celebrity Vending Machine. And what’s mental about that, because it sounds so ridiculous, it sounds like something that would have been fantastical to imagine at the time (probably about 3.19pm)that now there actually isn’t a show based upon that precise theme. It isn’t some imported Australian show on a low quality satellite channel.

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