You ever finish off the washing up in your kitchen and look at it the pile of clean plates, cups, bowls, knives, forks, spoons, fish slices, egg cups, pint glasses and griddle pans? It’s pretty good isn’t it. One, you’ve achieved something; Two, everything looks better a bit wet*; Three, you definitely have something in your comeback corner (“Oh I don’t do anything to help out? Well who did the pots LAST APRIL THEN???”).

There is generally a sense of satisfaction about the whole thing. And people reading this who are thinking, that sounds like someone who doesn’t do the pots a lot – if he can get that impressed by some pots. Well I would say that’s a fairly cynical view of the world. I do the pots plenty and each time still feels like I did something (man).

You’ve all ruined my flow, questioning my pot pride (not the Cambodian pro-homosexual movement) and just plain pissing on what I’m trying to do here, which is? Well I’m trying to postpone the point I’m making as long as possible so that when it arrives and it is disappointing it is even more disappointing than it would have been had it not been delayed for so long. You find me a reason why and I’ll show you a chaffinch’s nest – as my fictional grandfather used to refuse to say.

So, you’ve done the washing up and you’re looking at it. And you say, “You were fucking everything that was wrong with the plates in this house. You were dirty and needed cleaning. You were stained with memories of meals passed, of drinks no longer with us. But I broke you/the animal fats down with tough love/hot-water-and-biological-washing-powder and I cleaned you up good. Now you look like cutlery should look.” And you’re proud of how you helped these plates, these cups, these pans back to their best. And you think, I fucking did that – I fucking did all the dirty pots and everything is going to be all OK. No – it’s going to be better than OK, it’s going to be quite good.

And then you walk in your living room and what do you see? Your tray with your dirty plate on it from your tea. With a fucking unwashed knife and fork to boot. And at that moment you understand how people felt after 9/11. Outside a funeral cartege passes and the flowers spell out phrases that suggest it is someone very young who has passed – and I scream out of the window, “I KNOW YOUR PAIN!!!” and the people in the hearse look at me bemused as I wave the dirty plate at them and repeat the statement again (“I know your pain”).

But do they? DO THEY? They can have more children but I have already let the water drain out of the sink in the kitchen and I’ll be damned if I can clean a plate with cold water.

*Well not everything – a newspaper definitely doesn’t.

Why not follow me on Twitter (@house78) – How funny am I in Twitter format?! LOLZ

Does how many people wish someone happy birthday on Facebook mean anything?

— House (@house78) March 18, 2013

I mean no-one (not literally) does it to me but I’m clearly a horrible person, based on people not wanting to be around me.

— House (@house78) March 18, 2013

Sorry, went self-pity. But I can get why a nice, interesting and intelligent person gets like loads and loads.

— House (@house78) March 18, 2013

But also some absolute nothings with nothing about them whatsoever also seem to get loads.

— House (@house78) March 18, 2013

And the thing is the first type of person would still have got a lot of people going out for their birthday or get a lot of cards.

— House (@house78) March 18, 2013

But the second kind of person wouldn’t have got cards or had more than three or four people out on their birthday – unless milestone.

— House (@house78) March 18, 2013

Three is maybe a little low – depends if they socialise with siblings.But maybe just best-friend, second friend and second-friends boyfriend

— House (@house78) March 18, 2013

In some cases they have a partner and this can change the dynamic number-wise. Partners can artificially inflate numbers.

— House (@house78) March 18, 2013

Partner’s friends artificially inflate numbers in two ways….

— House (@house78) March 18, 2013

[1] They don’t really like you, and…

— House (@house78) March 18, 2013

[2] in a more literal sense they increase numbers as somehow their partner and maybe more get involved.

— House (@house78) March 18, 2013

And SOMEHOW you’re at the fucking COMEDY STORE feeling like an OUTSIDER at your own fucking birthday outing.

— House (@house78) March 18, 2013

And someone turns up who ASKS YOU your name!! WTF? Who is this guy? WHO ARE YOU?? It’s my birthday – that’s who I am.

— House (@house78) March 18, 2013