Thursday 28 February 2013

He shot her a withering glance. Of course she hadn’t known what a rheostat was, she’d lied about the whole thing. But that had been 24 years ago and they had two wonderful children – and lots more in common they had discovered since she had said, “Yes – I like rheostats,” when he’d asked her if she liked rheostats after approaching her in the Chelmsford Wine Lodge. He put the phone back – he wouldn’t ring the hitman after all, he would let the man shoot his wife for the agreed £40 fee. Fuck it, he thought, maybe she shouldn’t have lied about rheostats.

Darwinism retail. I awoke to the radio telling me that 20 shops a day were closing down last year. But, they were replaced by Pawnbrokers, Gold for Cash shops and Credit for Dignity supermarkets. People can only sell their possessions for so long though. Then the people who buy the possessions will have to sell them on because they can’t afford life. At some stage shops will have to come back or the same 19 objects will just circulate between the country’s population.

He looked at the SMS text message: “Two for Two Tuesday at your local Domino’s.” For a moment he though they could take advantage of it. Then he remembered the previous message he had received: “She’s dead. I shot her in the head four times at point blank range.” Shit, two for one wouldn’t represent value if there was just him eating. He put his phone away and carried on putting her clothes in a black bin bag. He got his phone out again and looked at the draft email he had written to his teenage children. It read: “Some bugger has shot mum, shot her dead”. It was a bit blunt. He added: “Fancy a Domino’s for tea? X” and pressed send. They could just put the extra one in the fridge/share it.

The Pope’s last day today, before his retirement. I wonder if all the staff at the Vatican had a collection for him and bought him a Swiss Carriage Clock. You can’t blame them if they didn’t know what to do, it’s not like Popes retire every week. I’d like to think he got a jokey card from the Swiss Guard (getting very Swiss, this paragraph). Maybe he will get around to acknowledging all the paedophile priests he didn’t acknowledge during his career in the Catholic Church. Or take up painting.

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