Wednesday 16 January 2013

They say when no-one is looking it’s a perfect time to experiment¹ so maybe I should try out some stuff while no-one is reading.

Vocal Exercises

Ahem..the forgotten parachute enables the lusty labrador to enable parsimony.

The cantankerous vole perceives the noble flowerbed to train for potential olympiads.

Easter Island was considered inappropriate for the kiting.

Numbers for a Stag Do

6 – Convenient for a (longer) table at an Indian (restaurant) but not enough to justify a large canal barge in Norfolk. Provokes questions about groom being unpopular.

17 – plenty to justify t-shirts (Brandon’s Prague Army) but too many to be satisfied by two pool tables in a bar when everyone fancies a game of pool.

27 – who is the groom? There are some hangers on here, some people are here because of friendships not involving the groom. Good luck getting in the good club. Almost certain fatality.

3 – suggests third wedding; if small talk begins with people you might choose just to describe it as a weekend break.

11- Ideal? Groom can sit at head of table at a long table in a restaurant (people next to the groom might not be able to hear lads at the other end – but if they wanted to hear that much wouldn’t they be sat closer?) Falling out still likely between sub-groups.

Conversations for groups at a pub (group size: 3-7)

What colour gloves make your hands look small?

Have you ever drawn a friend and then fallen out with them because of the drawing? (Try to stifle people talking about falling out with someone when the sketch was more of a trigger for a bigger issue rather than the sole cause.)

Could you cope with being on a submarine (submerged)?

Do you think of bagels as – primarily – a type of bread or a Jewish food? (Force people who say ‘neither’ to choose and then make them feel an idiot for their reason.)

Favourite season of Big Brother. (If someone mentions Jasper Carrot, they owe everyone a shot.)

How easy was forgery 100 years ago, when money was just big pieces of paper with little detail?

Most annoyed you have been by someone insisting they have seen something they couldn’t possibly have seen. (Likely to involve mention of a ghost.)

Explanations for tardiness of a taxi

Got caught up in Valhalla parade.

Ice Cube insisted the driver waited until someone answered the door and let him into the house on previous fare (took ages).

Driver wants to finish ‘tough’ Sudoku before any more journeys.

New Friar’s Road has become endless.

Driver thought he’d got 6 numbers on the lottery – victim of  a prank (might be in a bad mood when he arrives).

Car is tired.

Driver is wondering what it all means.

¹I’ve never heard anyone say this, however it seems like something people would say and it certainly relinquishes me from the responsibility of being coherent in some way.

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