Friday 11 January 2013

“I’m sorry there aren’t any of the breakfast menu available at the moment.”

Well that’s not even a proper sentence. But why have you let me stand in this queue for the last five minutes. Put a sign up. Put a fucking piece of paper up. How was I to know? What the fuck did you think I was after in Greggs at nine in the morning?

Admittedly the guy in front of me was getting two pizzas and an iced finger but he was in a high-vis vest. I like to be imagine I’m not that judgemental or prejudiced. I also like to think I could get away with coming on for the last five minutes of a United game and not stand out as someone who isn’t a professional football (true story).

The truth is that as a subsection of society I have no time for men in high-vis vests in Greggs. I fucking hate them. They’re all hands in the front of jogging bottom, safety helmet at a relaxed angle and jaunty banter. Not to mention that they’re always getting food for about ninety-two people. If you are next to be served at Greggs it is fair to assume you will have your food in within the next two minutes. Actually you’re still there 15 minutes later if number one in the queue is a high-vis vest person(s – it is more than likely two together).

Such is my predisposed distaste to these people – yes: ‘these people’, I these-peopled them – means that now only go to Greggs if when I go past on the bus I can verify there is no high-vis in Greggs. Ironically I often don’t see them – or they appear from nowhere – between me looking in and me getting from the bus stop to the Greggs¹.

For some reason this whole thing reminds of the Lysine Contingency from Jurassic Park. For those unfamiliar with Jurassic Park: fuck off, I’m not explaining it to you, you should have seen Jurassic Park – if you for one moment think that all of your life has been so good that you couldn’t have spared two hours to watch Jurassic Park then I’ve got news for you…and it’s this: You are wrong.

All I’m saying is, much like the dinosaurs of Michael Crichton’s fictitious dinosaur park find a way to reproduce, large men in high-vis vests find a way to be just in front of me in Greggs even if they weren’t there seconds earlier.

I went to Subway in the end. (The breakfast sub was OK but the coffee was practically cold by the time I’d got to work, only a short walk away. Pathetic.)

¹Couldn’t get away from repeating Greggs here; what was I supposed to replace the chain’s name with? Are they shops? It’s not really a shop is it? You don’t have a food shop. And if you did it’s not a Greggs. It’s hardly what you think of as a takeaway…at least McDonalds’ barefaced cheek of calling itself a restaurant is backed up by having tables and chairs.

Some builders preparing for Greggs yesterday

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