Monday 31 January 2012

The new year’s honours list:

The 2012 Olympics Award

Clearly there has to be a category that allow an award to be presented to the British Olympic team.

This summer was brilliant. The Olympics were brilliant. The opening ceremony was brilliant. Danny Boyle made an opening ceremony brilliant. The cyclists were amazing and got the team off to an amazing start. Then the athletes were amazing. Andy Murray won the tennis which definitely helped him go on to win his first major. Mo Farrah was amazing in both of his wins. Jessica Ennis was brilliant in living up to the large amount of pressure placed on her. And all the other people who competed for Britain were terrific.

It was brilliant to see the country genuinely gripped by sport – though there weren’t many people paying attention to Mo’s first win in the bar I was in, in York, I’ll be honest. I think they were in the minority, though…No, clearly they weren’t in the minority. There were over 60 million people in the country at that point; The majority were not watching Mo’s great run.

And while all the above has been said before it is only right the dream of one man is recognised. There weren’t many people thinking he was a good idea when he started on this Olympic odyssey. “It’s a waste of money,” some said. But he never stopped believing and despite some people saying he was a cold fish he carried on and, God damn it, it was his dream that made it happen.

And so for that reason Wenlock wins the 2012 Olympics Award.

The British Empire Award for Royal Story of The Year

Only two real contenders for this year’s Britishness Award: The Queen’s Golden Jubilee celebrations and the furore over Kate (Princess) being pregnant. Kate (Princess) of course won last year’s award with her sister Pippa – for being posh and getting married.

It’s hard to knock the QE’s GJ celebrations. How many other countries would celebrate a big landmark with a floatilla? Well I don’t know because I have no interest in the celebrations of monarchs across the world. Fortunately I was able to combat my lack of interest in this monarch’s celebrations by it being on every TV channel for one rainy Sunday.

The Queen got a lot of shit for not smiling like an idiot all day. (1) It was fucking boring and raining and she’s an old woman. (2) How often do people ruin parties held for them by getting in a mood? Always. Maybe once she just wanted to go and get pissed with Philip or something. But, no, she had to stand in the rain on a boat. (3) She might have needed a toilet.

The Queen during her jubilee celebrations

Whatever you can say about the Queen – and it’s not really a lot or you can be executed for treason – she has always took the pranks well. Journalists with hidden cameras in the palaces, people pointing out her husband is a racist mental and that one time the man was in her bedroom. Not once has anyone ended up killing themselves because of these incidents. I think the media should take a pat on the back for ensuring someone simply transferring a phone call can end up dead and no-one even question that the Australian DJs pranking her was sufficient enough cause for guilt that someone should take their own life.

The Queen has to win this one – for her role in the Olympics opening ceremony and the chance it gave people to make ‘Bond girl’ jokes.

The Doctor Who Award

There is no doubt about who was the best footballer to come back from the dead this year. When Fabrice Muamba collapsed on the pitch in March people were falling over themselves to #prayforMuamba. And their collective prayers were acknowledged – in a way. Certainly not by the Gods people pray to – for they don’t exist. But by numerous medical personnel who did their jobs and saved the young footballers life.

That’s all they did – their jobs. And they saved someone’s life. And they do it every day. Perhaps is now time to reflect on the slow strangle being applied to the NHS by the government…

Muamba, though recovered enough not to be dead, will not play football again. Fortunately he is now a celebrity because he nearly died. He rounded off the year on the BBC’s Strictly Come Dancing Christmas Special.

The cardiologist who was at the game and has been credited with saving his life, Dr Andrew Deaner, did not appear on the dancing celebrities show.

I have nothing at all against Muamba. I am certain he has nothing but adoration for the people who saved his life. I am sure the people involved in saving his life are just glad he was one of the ones who survived – as they are of all the people who survive. Just all these things combined make me think there is something a bit wrong with the world and how it all balances out.

The Dr Who award therefore goes to every Doctor, Nurse, Radiographer, Lab worker, Porter – just imagine I list every kind of job in the healthcare system here – working in Britain today.

The OJ Simpson Justice Award

A couple of great things happened this year. The killers of Stephen Lawrence were convicted and sentenced for his murder in January. The findings of the of the original inquest into the Hillsborough tragedy were overturned and a new inquest were announced.

Stephen Lawrence was killed was killed in 1993 – nearly 20 years to sort out. The Hillsborough tragedy occurred in 1989 – 23 years and counting to reach some form of justice.

In October Conservative Whip Andrew Mitchell allegedly called a Policeman on Downing Street a pleb when told to use a side-gate. Mitchell denied it but ended up resigning from his position. Fortunately investigative journalists broke the story that the CCTV footage contradicted the evidence that was given against Mitchell’s person.

Now my big question is this: why did that news media turn down the opportunity to Gategate? Plebgate? Gate with the programme.

For showing that justice is a lot easier to get if you are a rich politician the OJ Simpson award for Justice must go to Andrew Mitchell.

Mentioning Jimmy Savile

Sadly Jimmy Savile cannot be ignored in a look back over 2012. His grotesque face cast a shadow over Autumn that wouldn’t go away. Sadly, some people tried to make the whole thing into a dagger to stab the BBC in the back with. I can’t help but feel there is a real danger of Celebrity overshadowing the ongoing investigations. It is important that all victims of abuse are heard and counselled and not just those whose misery was caused by some fucking idiot off the television.

Taking Gun Crime Seriously Award

Such is the likelihood of someone going on a gun rampage at some point in a calendar year the only shocking thing about the latest tragedy in America was that the initial reaction was to actually suggest that maybe taking away from guns from people could stop them shooting people with gun-propelled-bullets.

Yes, we all thought about the ‘computer games’ argument a few years ago but then most people rationalised that people had gone on killing rampages before the realistic graphics of the Call of Duty franchise allowed people to simulate shooting people that looked like people in a computer game. Ditto violent films. I am surprised someone didn’t suggest trees were the cause of these disturbed people committing these horrible crimes: at least they pre-date guns.

While taking guns away is definitely one way to stop gun crimes it is a bit harsh to say guns are the reason. Perhaps it is a bit much to ask America to give up guns AND admit that their society doesn’t really do much to help the marginalised and the outcasts. Except let them have guns and trench coats.

I am pretty sure it has been taken seriously before. And then people don’t do anything and powerful Republicans stop any gun laws happening because  of something the people who wrote some rules agreed on years ago. I believe they are happy with new laws being made that allow them to sidestep tax, employee rights and selling bombs to terrorists.

Hopefully as President O is in his second term he might be able to make something happen without the fear of a presidential campaign to protect. He does, of course, have a legacy to protect. It says a lot about America that if he is the man who stops people walking around shooting innocent people he will not necessarily be well looked upon by large areas of the country. (I don’t think they like him anyway.)

Social Network of The Year Award


For allowing people to be mental; for witch hunts of people; for not allowing people to have opinions; for not accepting that people have different opinions; for not being afraid of being unoriginal; for allowing people to spread rumours but not wanting to take responsibility for doing it; for bullying; for bullying bullies without any irony; for being boring when people are talking about something you are not interested in; for glorifying mediocrity; for telling me the news before the news; for pictures of Helen Flanagan; for watching people breakdown because people have misunderstood them; for allowing you to watch people not breakdown and tell cretins to fuck off; for hypocrisy; for taking the blame for the human condition (see all of the above).

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