Thursday 27 December 2012

Guide to Buying People Presents

Like a hell of a lot of people I like to follow the carnage of spending money on others at Christmas by spending money on me in the sales. Fortunately I have never really wanted anything from Next¹ so I get to do it all where I did my Christmas shopping: the internet.

This self-rewarding in no way represents a dig at my Christmas gifts: they were all lovely. I just still want some stuff that I didn’t yet receive. At this stage, and – again – this is not meant as a dig at my lovely gifts, I think there is a couple of things, hints, to people when it comes to buying people things:

  • If they have lots of a thing it probably means they really like it – so the idea of receiving another one isn’t terrible. I for example love Fred Perry polo-shirts, hats, notebooks, bags, pencils (traditional and mechanical), iPod accessories, books, films and coats. I don’t have lots of them because the idea of owning lots of them appals me – and neither does the idea of lots +1 of them.
  • If people don’t have something that is inexpensive there is probably a good chance that they don’t want/need it. For example an adult you have known a long time who has never worn a watch probably doesn’t want a watch. They might, though, that’s the kicker. I go through watch spells, lately I’m in a watch place – kickstarted from guilt caused by my Dad giving me a watch. But it’s a nice watch after all. Go figure.
  • Don’t feel bad about vouchers (for somewhere good). In fact don’t feel bad about cash – cash is accepted everywhere so you aren’t limiting people. Vouchers are just trying to be money and succeeding on a limited basis.
  • Never be afraid of the old reliables. I would bloody love a pair of nice socks for Christmas. I have never received regular socks for Christmas. Nor do I ever receive smellies (NB: this is not a request for a Lynx box-set; I’d rather smell of my own piss). Popular sitcoms and stand-up comedians on panel shows clearly have a tough job making me laugh based on shared experiences because they exist in a universe where every second Christmas present is  pair of socks. Slippers and dressing gowns also fit in this category, I fucking love a dressing gown.
  • Probably don’t buy people things for their house unless they definitely want it. No-one (well definitely not me) wants a fucking duvet for Christmas. Receiving ‘something for the house’ is pretty much the same as you spitting in someone’s face if you ask me. Don’t get my house a present – get me a present. It was me who got you your fucking present not the fucking house. OK?
  • Don’t get people DVDs of things like The Olympics. I bet a lot of people got that Olympics DVD this year. “You loved the Olympics didn’t you?” Yes, but you have to really like The Olympics to enjoy several hours of highlights half-a-year later. See the thing with sport is it’s really good when you are watching it and getting all excited about it but it can be a bit less interesting some time later when you know what happened and there is no sense of excitement.

That last one doesn’t really apply to me. On Christmas Day I watched the official film of the  2010 World Cup in South Africa². But, still, I would baulk at the thought of reliving the glorious summer of Team GB. Maybe you would. Fair fucks. Go and fucking watch it then, you prick, and stop reading this shit.

¹This is a lie. I definitely have as I have owned Next clothing that I bought myself so I must have. I downright like a jumper that is definitely from Next.
²I think my favourite bit was when some African guy had suggested that when Luis Suarez handballed on the line to stop Ghana winning the Quarter-final with Uruguay he was disgraceful for doing it with both of his hands. Like there would have been something noble about cheating with one hand but cheating with two hands all of a sudden made the little goofy cunt’s actions untenable.

And, if you do buy someone a present, you are not the one to write a review of the thing…


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