Sunday 23 December 2012

I’m Not The Kind of Person

I don’t know if it has become more prevalent or I have noticed it but a lot of people have started to preface saying something/doing something by saying how they are not the kind of person to say or do the thing. For example someone might put, on Facebook for example, a status that would say “I’m not the kind of person to put a picture of a dog sitting under a Christmas tree but I just took this picture of a dog under a Christmas tree and here it is..” or “I am not the kind of person to tell everyone that I’ve thrown soup all over my child’s bed but I just threw soup all over my child’s bed and I feel terrible about it.”

I am not being superior about it all. I write a daily blog about the intricacies of my almost worthless existence (and feel affronted when haven’t read it – especially when I knowingly make it difficult to read by being absurd); I just don’t understand why people doing the thing they clearly think they are better than think the thing that they are doing even though they are doing it. Or just stop being slightly embarrassed about whatever it is you want to share with people.

It was quite difficult to write that without using the word hypocrisy. But it seemed such a sinister word to use to describe the scenario. There needs to be a fluffier word to describe this kind of nice version of hypocrisy. Kibblybibblynous or some such other word.

Deliver Us from Evil

There hasn’t half been some complaining going on about parcels not arriving from online traders. I like how a lot of people get angry with the trader themselves when it is Royal Mail/Courier who have failed to deliver the item. It is the latter group that causes the problem for me. I miss a Royal Mail delivery and I go and pick it up from a place 15 minutes walk from my flat. If I miss a courier then the only option is often to go and collect it from the nearest depot of the delivery company. The delivery companies often don’t have depots in very convenient places. And arranging redelivery is often only possible if you have a working model of the Enigma machine.

A colleague told me how she is able to have Amazon packages delivered to a Co-Op store in her home village. The packages are left in a secure locker. You are emailed the code to the secure locker…I think you get the rest of the process. I think someone needs to arrange something like this on a grander scale. Or start delivering things of an evening. Or invent machines that shrink everything down to a tiny size. These could then be easily posted in letterboxes. People would then have a machine in their homes to make the shrunken things their normal size again. It’s only a rough idea at the moment and the details are accordingly sketchy. The machines would have to have some limitations – to stop people making giant books or shrinking horses to the size of a paperclip.

With the right funding and help – perhaps some of those fucking about with the Higgs Boson could come and help – we could have this machine in everybody’s home by 2014. Delivery might be an issue though. Bloody Catch-22s.

CHristvent #23: Getting Boring Now

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