Saturday 03 November 2012

I don’t know how the celebrities decide what to make money out of each Christmas.

Some groups of people have it easy, with something to offer every year:

Chefs – new book of instructions to use a kitchen to make food

Comedians – DVD of their latest on-stage talking (“Do you remember when phones had wires?” to “Men are such and such”)

Music people – Greatest Hits or Christmas Album (the latter more for people in the decades before 1983)

People who made films that have been really successful in the summer – The DVD/Blu ray of the film that was successful in the summer (with a digital copy included that no-one has ever asked for and no-one has ever wanted).

There is also the autobiography but you can really only do one of them every five years or so, unless you are particularly young and have particularly little to say about life when, ironically, you will release an autobiography at least once a year (pop stars and footballers mainly).

That’s why if I was famous I’d have something more all-year-round and basic, like a soup range. Then at Christmas I’d just change the packaging and bump the price up 9 pence. There’s nothing to stop me doing some other stuff as well but the soup (and perhaps broth) market is my safety net.

Alternatively some good crackers branded with my name. The problem with crackers is that people don’t want to pay a lot for them but they want good prizes. Make your mind up you daft bastards. Mine would be £90 for 8. Each one would have a £10 iTunes voucher in it, so I make a tenner a box – minus what it costs me to make the crackers and box them. Might pitch that one to the Dragons. Duncan will be out straight away, “I’m out,” he’ll say bluntly. There may be more back and forth with a couple of the others but they’ll be out as well. In the end Peter will sort me out – offering me the money I’ve asked for for a slightly higher proportion of the company than I’d initially offered. Theo would make a remark about Peter ‘being crackers’ as we shook hands on the deal. A light-hearted remark and nothing more.

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