Sunday 21 October 2012


When it comes to magic you need to be one thing or the other: someone who goes with being amazed or someone who pays it no mind. The people who feel the need to tell everyone how it is done just fuck it up.

Who is isn’t going to watch that? Who isn’t going to watch someone telling you how it is done?

Did you really think it was fucking magic? People can’t do ‘magic’ OK? Think of a number between 1 and 30….go on…is it 22? No? For someone reading this it probably was, they will be amazed – that’s the one we’ll show on TV.

There is no way a person can do all the things that seem impossible. People do illusions. That’s why the proper ones call themselves illusionists.

My partner has been getting into Dynamo on one of them channels where they show old TV shows. For the uninitiated: Dynamo is a thin man from Bradford who does the kind of street magic and illusions David Blaine popularised about ten years ago. This basically involves the person doing some tricks on the street intercut with them doing tricks to celebrities. Dynamo is not David Blaine – he is thin, looks a little uncomfortable in his own skin. But he clearly isn’t. He is confident and his illusions are polished. I liked him.

But some idiots have put stuff on YouTube explaining how he does a lot of them, some even slow down videos and literally show you the slight of hand. Fucking idiots. EITHER BE AMAZED BY IT OR PAY IT NO MIND. What am I meant to do? NOT WATCH it? What am I? Some kind of none-ruiner?

IF YOU GIVE ME THE CHANCE TO RUIN SOMETHING FOR MYSELF  THEN I WILL. Some big day to absolutely not be hungover on? I will get very drunk the night before and be hungover.  Actually that was a little bit too overarching – I meant to have a list of all the ways I ruin things for myself but that just encapsulated them all – I ruin most days I’ve been looking forward to by getting very drunk the night before it. No wait, I have one: Waited years to see something and only one day away from seeing it at the cinema? I will watch a really poor pirate video version of it the night before. That one was a little too specific – only really happened with The Phantom Menace. I am not good at getting the scope of the things on this list.

Why did they make these videos? The ruiners. The ruining bastards. The people who watch magicians either want to be in wonder or believe in magic. And these little bastards have to go and ruin it.

And for the people who say I didn’t have to watch the videos: I HAD WATCHED EVERY VIDEO ON THE INTERNET ABOUT FOLDING CLOTHES. There was nothing left.

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