Wednesday 17 October 2012

I know it’s a cliche but I thought I could handle just trying it once – maybe twice – and just leave it. I’ve read Trainspotting. I’ve seen Boogie Nights. I watched Big Brother when that Asian woman was in it. So, I think I know the horrors of addiction, whether it be heroin, cocaine or cookies.

But I was weaker than I thought I am¹.

Approximately three weeks ago I, [REDACTED], started using a popular internet search engine and a popular video hosting website, owned by the same popular internet search company², to search for clothes folding techniques. Within a short period of time I experienced the dizzying highs of clothes folding tutorial videos. Soon enough I was folding clothes whenever I could get a chance; it was ok, I told myself, I could handle this shit.

I couldn’t handle this shit. In the last few days I have been watching videos of clothes folding techniques I already know. I have been unfolding clothes to re-fold them. And I have been watching videos of people treating folding clothes like a sport – and then thinking about how I could fold 10 polo shirts faster than that; the flaws in his technique and plan.

For a few dark hours I even considered making my own folding tool like some people have on the internets. I think this is what addicts call ‘hitting rock bottom’. Sure I have dabbled in cardboardpentry in the past³. But there is engineering a cover for an annoying light in the bedroom at night and then there is measuring and building a contraption to ensure clothes are evenly folded. This was too much. It was time to take a long, hard look at myself.

How many people’s lives am I ruining with these neatly folded clothes? How long before I am stealing money from friends and family to buy clothes to fold? How long before I am folding large pieces of cardboard outside the back of supermarkets just to be folding something?

I don’t want to be an example for future generations. I don’t want people saying to their teenage kids, when they find them experimenting with folding garments, “do you remember what happened to Phil? Do you want that? Sucking old men’s cocks so they would let you fold some of their dirty clothes? IS that what you want?”

With God’s help I’ll conquer this terrible affliction.

¹You need to suspend reality here- if you know me – as I am fully aware of how weak I am. Very.
² Do you remember when you used to google something and one of the tabs on the results was ‘videos’? It just says You Tube these days.
³ I know most people don’t click on the links in these blogs but – and don’t take this as some kind of guilt trip – but it took me about 20 minutes or so of reading and some trial and error to get to a point where I could make a link that didn’t just take you the page – but a specific part of the page. So, whatever. Do what you fucking like.

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