Tuesday 16 October 2012

Why must there be so many boundaries between people and different things? Why are there conventions and ways of types of behaving in a certain way? Why must people tread the well-worn path? Is it really so odd that a 34-year-old man has One Direction as his new favourite band?

They aren’t my favourite new act – fuck no. Jake Bugg is my favourite new act. But they are my favourite band. The way I see it is that if a five-piece indie band with good hair released a couple of songs that I really liked then I would be all over them. And the truth is I really liked What Makes You Beautiful and now I really like Live While We’re Young. So, there it is: I like One Direction (for now).

And it’s not just the songs is it? That one with all the hair is a proper lad innit? I don’t really know anything about the rest of them but Harry is definitely alright by me. He is definitely challenging HRH Prince Henry as the Best Lad at the annual Harry Awards (aka The Harries). And it’s just reputation he has for getting it on with loads of really good looking women who are nearly double his age. No, wait, it is completely that. Fair fucking dos to the little shite, though: he can have all the 17-year-olds he wants when he is in his mid-30s. At least by targeting women in their 30s now he won’t have missed out on women in their 30s in the scheme of things. Variety is the spice of life – unless your are Peter Stringfellow and then 22-year-old blondes are the spice of life.

How much fun do they look like they’re having this video? And this is like a very PG-friendly version of their lives. In other words their existence is like this spliced with harcore pornography. Like¹ when Bob Guccione filmed real sex for the film Caligula without the director knowing – to splice into the film aside the serious stuff with proper actors.

There is something a little sinister in the lyrics of Live While We’re Young. There is at least one line that reads like a clause in a pre-groupie-shagging contract:

“And if we get together, yeah, get together don’t let the pictures leave your phone (ohhhh)”

NAIVE PEOPLE, YOU MIGHT WANT TO SKIP THE NEXT SENTENCE – OR CERTAINLY DON’T READ IT STOOD UP IN A ROOM WITH HARSH EDGES/HARD SURFACES. The 1D lads don’t write their songs. Do they have some input though? Or their legal advisers? Because that line reads to me like something that could be used as a legal disclaimer at later date. As a one-off perhaps it is harsh to judge, however if future 1D releases feature lines such as “entering the room as a binding agreement not to share any information about what goes on inside the room with the tabloid press” or “you are legally obliged to say we are just good friends if ever asked about me – and you must definitely not mention pissing on me“.

I’m sure the relationship won’t continue (the one between me and 1D, I think it’s fair to assume the one between Harry and anyone won’t be continuing for a bit). Inevitably they will do a ballad for the Christmas and ruin it.

Unless one of them – in a lovely Christmas jumper around a fire in a Christmas shack (like the one in the Last Christmas video) – sings a line in a low-tempo Christmas song that says something like “I’m just taking a blow job for Christmas, to celebrate the birth of Jesus I’m going to come on your tits, but if you tell anyone about it we can’t do this again and the act of undoing my belt was a legal acceptance of a non-disclosure agreement.

¹Only not really like it at all. Kind of like it in reverse. Caligula was acting+secret porn= bad film (though with Helen Mirren’s chebs) and Live While We’re Young video is real life of highly sexed good looking pop stars – minus sex= lads parents don’t mind their 14-year-old ogling even though they are singing a song with the message ‘let’s have uncomplicated, no-strings sex and explain away the fact that you might want it to mean something by saying lets act like it means something – but by acknowledging that we are pretending we have been honest about our intention to pretend. Oh, but we ARE saying it’s now or never so we’re basically saying that we just want to fuck you and if you need to act like we’re in love for that to happen then let’s play that game but that is just a pretext and you have to acknowledge we are not really saying we love you, just pretending, but you have to make your mind up quickly because we want to do it now and whether you say yes or no, we will never see each other again – but you love me so don’t share the pictures you took of me doing you.

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