Wednesday 03 October 2012

Baby’s Day Out

A woman who is part of my team is on maternity leave. I don’t really know how it all works when people are on maternity leave but I assume that people have to prove to the Human Resources department that they have had a baby because they always seem to come in work when the baby is a couple of months old and walk around with it showing it to everyone. Clearly a matter of proving they actually had a baby.

Anyway this woman came in today; she went on maternity leave before I took the throne so I don’t know her. So, this was a woman I don’t know was bringing a small human into my office. Apparently it is a borderline disgrace that this didn’t really interest me. I know. I am a fucking modern-day Hitler.

I was quite clear about it: I was happy for everyone to stand mesmerised at what was essentially a mute. I just didn’t want part of it. “I’ll answer the phones,” I said somewhat touchingly. Someone said something about how I should make an effort to talk to the woman if I wasn’t interested in the baby as I’ll be her line manager when she comes back. Yeah, that’s really what she wants. Gets out of the house with her baby and sees her work-friends and gets to show off her baby – clearly what she actually wants out of this is me to talk to her about the phone rota she may be part of when she comes back next June*.

I sweetly put it this way, “I couldn’t give a fuck about a baby – and she’s not here to see me.” I was doing the serious-joke thing I have made my calling card. I don’t give a fuck about someone I don’t know’s baby. But I know that you don’t say that because it riles people. So, I say it because people kind of thing you’re joking. It can get confusing all this and I’ve reached a point where a good 40% of the time I don’t know whether I am being sarcastic, viciously honest or confused – that’s right sometimes I don’t even know if I am confused.

Inevitably I was positioned in a bottleneck when the woman & baby arrived. I had fucking no chance. I was caught in the middle of it. Fortunately when there was a joke about me being uninterested in babies a woman – with absolutely no malice, but questionable interpersonal skills – pointed out that I was not interested in the baby or his mother. If I didn’t feel slightly uncomfortable surrounded by people fawning I certainly did now. Actually I didn’t, I wasn’t remotely bothered by it – I really couldn’t give a fuck. It was the other people’s fault for trying to make me a part of something I was honest enough to say I wasn’t interested in. But you have to give the impression that you’re embarrassed that you don’t give a fuck or people think you really are a cold twat.

If there is some natural justice in the world then surely that I was stuck at someone else’s desk surrounded by numerous people asking if a baby is  sleeping well on a cycle of depressing repetitiveness while occasionally saying things to me which were said in a tone of voice to suggest that they were making a joke about my discomfort but actually they were just saying absolute nothingness, regardlessly people laughed along.

*Just joking if any of the team are reading this; there are absolutely no plans to implement a phone rota. That’s not to say it’s being ruled out: things change in the cut throat business of educational administration, sometimes a man has to make tough decisions. Tough life or death decisions. Like phone rotas being implemented.

Most disarter earthquake ever in the world

It’s not like I am writing the most read blog in the world or anything – though you may not be interested that I recently had my 10,000th view – so I probably should accept whatever traffic I get.

I am privy to the search engine terms used to get to my blog. There has been some corkers in the past but I can’t help but feel this is the best one – which was used today. I suppose I shouldn’t make light of the most disarter earthquake ever in the world as it is no joke.

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