Tuesday 02 October 2012

Cleaner for Hire

My good friend David once told me that no-one read this blog because it had no selling point, let alone a USP. So, only 12 months or so later, I am thinking perhaps I could make this a haven for those who like cleaning and folding (like yesterday’s entry), the houseproud and those dedicated to being a domestic deity. And so I present some top tips for cleaning:

  • After you have done the washing-up don’t dry the pots and put them away. By leaving them on your draining area you clearly highlight that you have done the pots. It is all about getting the credit for these activities. Added bonus: by not drying the plates, pans and cutlery you get to not do the bit where you dry the pots, pans and cutlery. Ditto putting everything away.
  • After doing the vacuum cleaning leave some things out of position (chairs on tables, large objects on sofas, etc) clearly highlighting that you have done so as part of clearing the floor to vacuum clean. It is all about getting the credit for these activities. Alternatively, if perhaps your floor has no such objects to leave out of place, leave the vacuum cleaner plugged in to highlight that it has been used. Or if you don’t want to leave it plugged in, just wrap the flex around it loosely, not necessarily in the designated area for the cord, and leave it in a place where it will get noticed. The beauty of these  signifiers is that they don’t even need to follow use of the vacuum cleaner: you can just leave the bit where you vacuum clean out. It’s almost certain you will be able to fool partners/flatmates/parents that you have done the task. It may be tricky to fool people as easily if you have a longer shag on the carpet shows the marks of a vacuum cleaner being pulled across it.
  • Clean your shower when you are showering.

Cant Tweet Em Join Em

Admission: I have seen most episodes of Geordie Shore. It’s not big and it’s not clever, both the show and my admission, but everyone has moments of weakness¹. But as far as my obsessions with some TV programmes go it isn’t a big bad old obsession. So much so that I never looked for any of the cast on Twitter. Then someone retweeted one of them so I saw them and had a look at their profile. It was Gaz (big cock, big head, has sex with lots of women – I like him).

Rewind: for people who don’t know GS is a reality show based on the format of the American MTV’s Jersey Shore. In both shows some young people share a house and are followed by camera crews going out drinking and trying to fuck each other and other people. The people in it are supposedly in a fly-on-the-wall show but like many of these shows it is certain that some of the content is staged. Essentially GS is young and attractive and not embarassed about getting drunk, getting their genitals near other people’s (genitals) and having a right old fall out with each other. These are not what you might class as artists.

So, Gaz (@GazGShore) has over 790,000 followers on Twitter. Charlotte (@CharlotteGShore), his on-off love interest², has around 760,000 (she is probably the most interesting and funny one in it to be fair). Other cast member include Vicky (@VickyGShore),fucking mental though thinks she is A LOT more intelligent and sophisticated that she actually is; Holly (@HollyGShore), who I definitely don’t really fancy and anyone who says I do is a liar and James (@JamesGShore), almost certainly a virgin in the first series despite claims that he bedded pyore bords man.  There are more but I’m bored of listing them. These three have around HALF A MILLION followers each.

  • Graham Coxon – guitarist of one of Britain’s biggest and best known bands of last 20 years: 80,000 followers
  • Tim Burgess – singer for The Charlatans & darling of Twitter: 37,000 followers
  • Michael Keaton – BATMAN (the best one) – 85,000 followers
  • Matthew Perry – Chandler in FRIENDS 556,00 followers
  • Carrie Fisher – PRINCESS LEIA IN STAR WARS – 397,000 followers.

So out the three lesser GS people have more followers (each) than a quarter of Blur, the singer of The Charlatans and BATMAN combined. The lesser popular GS people each have more followers than the female lead in STAR WARS. That’s Star Wars. Only the funniest one in Friends gets to be more popular than the peripherary cast of a British reality show about people from the North-East having sex with other people from the North-East. They call it tashing on. And even Chandler can’t compete with the two with the will-they-wont-they (they already have numerous times but we’re really talking about the will-he-give-up-relentless-sex-while-he’s-quite-famous-and-was-doing-well-without-the-extra-cache-wont-she-stop-deluding-herself) relationship and thus most popular who have 50% more followers than a man who was paid $1 million an episode a few years ago.

I think the lesson here is that if you try to use Twitter as a gauge of something you might end up wondering what the fuck you are doing it for.

Speaking of Twitter…The other day one of the writers of The Thick of It said that it wasn’t going to be on this week because of a one-off programme about The Beatles (it is actually a documentary about the restoration of the Magical Mystery Tour film followed by the restored film). I think he was a bit annoyed – miffed might be accurate, he wasn’t raging. A woman (must be a journalist or someone semi-famous for writing because I also followed her) replied something along the lines of “oh God because there isn’t anything around that need satirising. And The Beatles need the coverage ³” I don’t think she was being sarcastic -well she almost certainly was with the second bit, I mean the bit about satire.

I love The Thick of It. I love The Beatles. I think it’s odd that BBC2 can’t accommodate The Beatles thing without interrupting The Thick of It in the middle of its final seven-week run. I also like (good) satire and mockery of what’s wrong with politics. But to suggest we NEED to be satirising something to the extent that waiting a week will make a difference? What about the 45 weeks a year when there wasn’t an episode of TTOI on?

Some people can be too precious.

¹By describing this as ‘moments of weakness’ I am trying to gloss over the intellectual snobbery attached to it. I’m trying to act as though I occasionally watch it because my partner wants to or MTV is the only channel working. The truth is nearer having at least the first series series-linked on Sky+.
² on-off love interest= he has sex with her when he can’t pull/she is in love with him.
³ Her comment was actually “Oh that’s good. Because they’re an up-&-coming group who need the publicity, & there’s nothing much worth satirising right now.” Yes, I just spent several minutes finding that out even though this is interesting no-one, not even me anymore. I think I captured the essence of what she said, being fair to me. And yes – she is a writer and journalist.

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