Sunday 02 September 2012

I was in Marks and Spencers queuing for the till in childrens clothing…OK. I was not wearing childrens clothing; I can barely fit into clothing sized for an overweight adult so it’s a physical impossibility and, moreover, an horrendous image to conjure up. The till for the clothing department for children was the nearest one to the flowers – and I was getting some flowers for my mum because it’s her wedding anniversary…awwwwwwwwwwwwwww aren’t I fucking brilliant? THIS is how easy it is to turn people around. A few seconds ago you were all vomiting at the thought of me in a baby grow/little boy’s sailor outfit/leotard and now I am a sweet lad. STOP BEING SO EASILY TURNED! YOU ALL THOUGHT NICK CLEGG WAS IMPRESSIVE BECAUSE HE REMEMBERED A FEW PEOPLE’S NAMES IN A DEBATE ON TV. And now look at Britain.

It’s true though – I was buying my mum some flowers – so you’re OK to think I am a right fucking gem of a human being.

So there was this woman, man and small child. They were trying to find some trousers for the child. That’s fine. They were definitely not in the queue, though. Definitely not. The man went to try and find some trousers elsewhere. The woman turned from the racks of trousers – that were near the front of the queue. And just stood in front of the woman who was at the front. She, the rude one, then shouted her husband over as she was at the front of the queue (she knew it was there!). There had been only one person on the till. As the queue was getting longer – people joining at both ends – a sales assistant came over and signed in on a second till at the other end of the counter.

The rude woman was next, if we’re accepting her just pushing in, as everyone seemed to be. Even though the man had now rejoined the trio they still weren’t going to the newly opened sales point. The woman who should have been next asked the (rude) woman if she was going to the till. The (rude) woman kind of looked at her like she has said something in Flemish and then turned to look at the till where someone was being served as if to say “someone is being served, what do you want me to do force my way in?”

The sales assistant at the spare till was waving the rude woman on. I’ll not lie – I had said “for fuck’s sake” twice by this point. The (rude) woman eventually cottoned on and went to the till that was unrightfully hers.

That’s it – that’s the anecdote. A couple of things I will add:

  1. The rude woman was heavily inked. On one arm she had ‘Mother’, ‘Father’ and ‘Sister’ tats in between pictures of flower (roses?). Now I only have an issue with the latter of the three. We all call our parents by one of several handles and variants there of*. So to have the parents like that is fine but (is it me or) isn’t it a bit odd to just have ‘Sister’? I would have gone for the name. That is unless her parents named their other female child Sister, in which case all the above is fine and one assumes the rude woman is the eldest of the two female siblings and she is likely to be called Daughter.
  2. The main bit about her, Daughter, pushing in…I might have made that sound a bit more definite than it appeared. I am about 63% confident that she pushed in. She might not have. But, lets face it, it would make a particularly dull anecdote even worse were it not to have this element of rudeness from this character.

*OK, not everyone does but I remain very much in the ‘mum’ and ‘dad’ camp when it comes to referring to my parents. (40 YEARS. There was no Sky Atlantic when my parents got married – just think about that for a minute: NO SKY ATLANTIC.)

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