The following will appear in this weekend’s Guardian ‘Weekend’ magazine.
Q & A: Philip Bridgehouse
Philip Bridgehouse, 34, was raised in north Manchester, by parents Elizabeth and Philip. He has lived a life so fucking mundane you wouldn’t believe it if he told you but would probably cry – and he sometimes does at the thought of what he might have done with it. He currently has a job that involves engaging with people that he isn’t allowed to talk about on social media. He has about 30 coats (2 unworn, expensive) and 20 bags (1 unused, expensive).
When were you happiest?
I imagine several seconds after a United goal at some point but for a lot of the important ones I was drunk. If I had to plump for one it would be after the first of Steve Bruce’s injury time headers against Sheffield Wednesday in 1993 – in many ways it was the debut of ‘Fergie Time’. Non-footbal: when I realised the person dying in a room wasn’t my dad the day after he swapped lungs with a dead man.
What is your greatest fear?
Losing my mind.
What is your earliest memory?
Watching the 1985 FA Cup final.
Which living person do you most admire, and why?
Nelson Mandela. Is it fuck. I don’t know. Tony Benn for everything he stands for would be one on a list.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Three things: my continued being; my self-loathing and my inability to offer just one deplorable trait.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Not being Alison Brie.
Property aside, what’s the most expensive thing you’ve ever bought?
Season tickets at United.
What is your most treasured possession?
Was my iPod. Maybe my laptop now. Or my iPhone.
Where would you like to live?
What would your super power be?
The ability to be around any person without developing a deep loathing towards almost all of them.
What makes you unhappy?
What do you most dislike about your appearance?
The way I look/it looks to other people.
If you could bring something extinct back to life, what would you choose?
Top of The Pops.
Who would play you in the film of your life?
Former athlete Kris Akabusi.
What is your least appealing habit?
Spitting or heroin (depending on who you ask).
What would be your fancy dress costume of choice?
n/a (I don’t do it)
Cat or dog?
Cat in a bag of bricks or dog in a blender. Either.
Is it better to give or to receive?
I assume this is about oral sex….right? Both.
What is your guiltiest pleasure?
Romantic comedies – particularly those set in American High Schools.
What do you owe your parents?
To whom would you most like to say sorry, and why?
Anyone who’s not my friend anymore who once was as it was probably my fault (even though – I guarantee – my head thinks it wasn’t); trust me I thought about it/you after it happened and many times since.
What does love feel like?
Being wanked off while someone suffocates you in a plastic bin liner.
What was the best kiss of your life?
I only know the one with Gene Simmons in them and I don’t like that one.
Who would you invite to your dream dinner party?
Al, Dave, Yazoo, Scott, Steve, Bernard, Greggy and Umberto Eco.
Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Fuck, cunt, twat and “shall we have one more?”
What has been your biggest disappointment?
Life (so far).
If you could go back in time, where would you go?
How do you relax?
Sleep, watch sports, get fucking ret-legged, read, watch films, write a blog that nobody reads.
What song would you like played at your funeral?
In My Life by The Beatles.
How would you like to be remembered?
As taller than I actually am.
What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
Have a laugh.
Where would you most like to be right now?
Manchester United first team.