Tuesday 21 August 2012

The birds came for me again tonight. All I want to do is run freely (and hopefully quicker) without the harassment that these birds are doing to me.

The truth of the matter is that I actually am petrified of them, it’s all very well to write a blog bigging up how scared I am in a way that implies I am exaggerating for comic effect how scared I was. However both on Sunday and tonight I had a mild panic a couple of times. More Sunday, to be fair, but still tonight was no walk in the park – literally I was ‘running’ around a set of football pitches.

What the fuck are the stupid little fuckers doing? If we accept for a moment the very flimsy suggestion that the birds are not terrorising me (as if) then what are they doing? Are they practising for something? Because if they aren’t and that’s just what they do then I’m beginning to think we just get rid of them. Or teach them to do something useful.

When everyone is complaining about austerity how much is it costing to maintain wild birds for God’s sake? Wild birds, the NHS, the ill…what are these things giving society? One might argue the NHS generates some cash by having 4 inch TV screens that people have to pay £30 an hour to watch ITV4 on. But is that enough? As for the ill and wild birds…if anyone can give me an example of an ill person oerson doing something or a bird giving something back then, well, I don’t know what I’ll do but I’ll do something.

There must be some use for birds. Can’t they just tie a few of them together and let them present Loose Women? I’d wager some birds would set a better example to the youth of today than the utter bastards who play football – and birds wouldn’t ask for £5 million a week like all footballers earn.

Problem solved:

  1. Presenting Loose Women (a few of them tied together)
  2. Replacing bastard footballers (11-a-side, no need to change everything)
  3. National Service (sorted my generation out).

THREE sensible ways of utilising the birds.

If a by-product is I can run freely then so be it.

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